NRLF 


B   M   717 


•  BREAKING 
INTO    SOCIETY- 


BY 


GEORGE    ADE 
1 1 

ATTTHOR    OF    *' PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

"THE  SULTAN  OF  SULU  "  ETC. 


NEW  YORK  AND  LONDON 
HARPER  &  BROTHERS 
PUBLISHERS  MCMIV 


Copyright,  1902,  1903,  by  ROBERT  HOWARD  RUSSELL. 
Copyright,  1904,  by  HARPER  &  BROTHERS. 

All  rights  reserved. 
Published  March,  1904. 


CONTENTS 

Page 

The  Sorrows  of  the  Unemployed  and  the 
Danger  of  Changing  from  Bill  to 
Harold  1 

Sorrowful  Bill  and  the  Sour  Grapes  and 

Sympathetic  Sep  10  ' 

What  the  College  Incubator  Did  for  One 

Modest  Lambkin  21 

The    Subordinate    Who    Saw    a    Great 

Light  31 

Rugged  Hiram  and  Hiram's  Giddy  Wife     34 

The  Lecture  Tickets  That  Were  Bought 

but  Never  Used  44 

The  Escape  of  Arthur  and  the  Salvation 

of  Herbert  54 

[v] 


CONTENTS 

Page 

The  Up-to-Date  Atlas  Who  Carried  the 

World  on  His  Shoulders  64 

Hazel's   Two  Husbands   and  What   Be 
came  of  Them  74 

The  Galley  Slave  Who  Was  Just  About 

To  but  Never  Did  84 

The  Willing  Collegian  Who  Was  Hunt 
ing  for  a  Foothold  93 

The  Town  Lover;   or,  How  the  Lady- 

Killer  Blew  Up  in  the  Stretch  104 

The  Attempt  to  Spruce  Up  the  Family 

and  Give  It  a  Standing  114 

The  Unhappy  Financier  and  the  Discon 
tented  Rube  123 

The   Thoughtful   Wife   Who   Tried   to 

Give  Henry  a  Restful  Vacation          135 

The  Coming-Out  Girl  and  a  Few  of  Her 

Keen  Guesses  146 

[vi] 


CONTENTS 

Page 

The    Soft    Thing,    and    Some    of    the 

Things  That  Were  Done  to  Him       156 

The  Cub  Lover,  the  Superior  Dad,  and 

the  Lady  Who  Told  the  Truth          166 

The  Honest  Effort  to  Go  the  Distance 

and  Then  the  Melancholy  Fluke         176 

The  Unsympathetic  Parent  Who  Turned 

Down  Three  Different  Varieties          186 

The  Ninety-Pound  Knight-Errant   and 

His  Lady  Fair  193 

The  Fearsome  Feud  Between  the  First 

Families  197 


The  Sorrows   of    the    Unemployed   and    the 

Danger  of  Changing  from  Bill 

to  Harold. 

* 

IN  a  certain  Western  Town  that  started 
out    with    the    Expectation    of    hurting 
Chicago,  there  was  an  Early  Settler  who 
tried  to  build  a  Fence  around  the  Corporation. 
He  cabbaged  all  the  Corner  Lots  and  nailed 
the  Main  Street  Frontage  and  then  held  on 
like  a  Summer  Cold. 

He  was  a  grisly  old  Badger  who  wore  one 
Suit  the  Y ear  round,  with  a  Pair  of  box-toed 
Boots,  a  woollen  Hat,  and  a  Moss- A  gate  Col 
lar-Button.  While  he  was  doing  Business  at 
%  per  cent,  a  Month,  and  holding  out  on  the 
Assessor  and  bilking  the  Grangers  for  Rail 
way  franchises,  he  was  regarded  as  a  Wolf. 

After  he  changed  his  address  to  Over 
There,  the  Heirs  erected  something  that  look 
ed  like  the  Bunker  Hill  Monument,  and  then 
they  had  him  done  in  Oil  by  a  Celebrated 
Artist.  The  Artist  fixed  his  Hair  for  Him 
and  gave  him  a  neat  Stand-Up  Collar  such  as 
no  one  could  have  put  on  to  the  Old  Man  with 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

a  Block  and  Tackle.  They  named  a  School 
after  him,  and  every  one  in  Town  who  was  re 
lated  to  him  could  butt  into  Sussiety  without 
a  Ticket. 

The  Large  End  of  all  the  Scads  mentioned 
in  the  last  Will  and  Testament  went  to  a  Son 
named  William  H.  Jimpson.  On  the  way 
back  from  the  Cemetery  he  took  out  a  Pencil 
and  figured  to  see  what  he  was  worth,  and 
then  he  changed  his  Name  to  W.  Harold 
Jimpson. 

W.  Harold  had  been  compelled  to  fly  fairly 
close  to  the  Ground  while  the  Governor  was 
on  Deck,  but  when  there  was  no  one  to  keep 
Tab  on  him  he  began  to  find  $100  Bills  in 
his  Clothes  when  he  was  looking  for  a  Card, 
and  it  seemed  to  Vex  him  a  good  deal. 

A  few  Years  before  W.  Harold  became  sur 
rounded  by  Currency  he  had  taken  a  Wife, 
without  very  much  of  a  Struggle.  Leonora 
was  of  a  very  Nice  Family,  that  owed  some 
thing  on  the  House  and  kept  a  Girl  part  of 
the  Time.  After  she  began  to  have  a  Govern 
ess  for  Stuyvesant  Jimpson  and  an  Import- 
[2] 


Susslety. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

ed  Nurse  for  the  little  Evelyn  Jimpson  her 
Memory  seemed  to  blur  in  Spots  and  she 
couldn't  have  done  up  the  Dishes  to  save  her 
life. 

When  she  was  out  in  her  Brougham  it 
kept  her  busy  not  seeing  her  Childhood 
Friends  who  used  to  go  to  Kissing  Parties 
and  Taffy  Pulls  with  her.  That  was  why  she 
wanted  to  Travel.  She  fairly  ached  to  get  to 
Paris,  where  True  Social  Worth  is  recognized 
right  on  the  Jump. 

Her  Husband,  also,  was  getting  sore  on 
his  Birthplace.  His  Acquaintances  would  not 
stand  for  the  W.  Harold  Gag.  They  called 
him  "  Bill." 

Then,  on  top  of  it  all,  the  two  Cases  of 
Offspring  needed  the  French  Language. 
Leonora  was  already  feeding  their  Legs  to 
the  Mosquitoes  because  some  one  had  told  her 
that  the  real  Delicatessen  always^left  the  Kids 
partly  uncovered,  a  la  Parisienne. 

W.  Harold  closed  out  all  his  interests,  and 
when  he  got  through  he  had  his  Bank-Roll  in 
one  neat  Stack  of  Bonds.  All  he  had  to  do 


Polo  Was  a  Bore. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

for  the  remainder  of  his  Natural  was  to  clip 
the  Coupons  every  Six  Months.  Between 
times  he  could  enjoy  himself.  It  looked  Soft. 

W.  Harold  and  Bunch,  including  a  Retinue 
of  Private  Secretaries,  Hair-Dressers,  and 
Maids,  as  well  as  a  Keeper,  sometimes  known 
as  a  Valet,  set  out  for  Yurrup.  As  Harold 
sized  up  the  Caravansary  he  swelled  with 
Satisfaction  and  said,  "  Little  would  any  one 
Suspect  that  we  have  been  out  of  the  Hazel 
Brush  less  than  3  Months." 

Now  that  he  was  beyond  the  Range  of  the 
unlettered  Rube,  he  began  to  do  a  little  Land 
scape  Gardening  on  the  Frontispiece,  laying 
out  a  very  neat  Set  of  Depews.  He  wore 
Gloves  even  at  Night,  and  worked  for  Hours 
trying  to  get  a  side-hold  on  the  Piccadilly 
Accent. 

The  joyful  Jimpsons  cut  a  14-foot  Gash 
right  through  the  centre  of  the  Continent. 
They  saw  everything  mentioned  in  the  Red 
Book,  and  finally  struck  Paris,  with  a  loud, 
metallic  Sound.  There  they  settled  down  to 
remain  forever,  in  the  Shade  of  the  shelter- 
[6] 


She  Gave  Dog  Parties. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

ing  Absinthe  Frappe,  with  the  Grisettes  sing 
ing  in  the  Trees. 

But  W.  Harold  had  inherited  a  few  rest 
less  Microbes  from  the  parental  Hustler. 
After  he  had  seen  all  the  Pictures  from  every 
Angle  and  had  worn  out  two  or  three  Chairs 
sitting  around  Cafes,  he  began  to  long  for  the 
Nasal  Twang  and  something  to  do.  The 
whole  Kit  and  Tribe  moved  back  to  the 
States. 

He  learned  that  the  Proper  Caper  for  one 
who  is  out  of  Work  and  all  clogged  up  with 
Funds  is  to  build  a  Cottage  overlooking  the 
Sea  and  work  up  Features  for  the  Sunday 
Papers.  Accordingly  he  threw  up  a  Shack 
with  Onyx  Foundations  and  Florida  Water 
piped  into  every  Room.  It  faced  four  dif 
ferent  Ways.  The  Excursionists  rode  in 
from  as  far  away  as  Swanzey  to  look  at  it 
and  wait  for  the  Real  Things  to  come  out  and 
pile  into  the  Blue  Assassin  and  go  out  hunting 
Baby  Carriages. 

After  the  keen  Pleasure  of  being  pointed 
out  had  somewhat  dulled  and  the  Homicide 

[8] 


SORROWS   OF   THE   UNEMPLOYED 

Wagon  had  palled  on  them  and  Polo  was  a 
Bore  and  Ping-Pong  a  Misdemeanor  and 
Golf  a  Crime,  poor  Harold  and  Leonora 
found  themselves  up  against  it,  strong  and 
plenty. 

She  gave  a  few  Dog  Parties  and  one  for 
a  Prince,  but  even  these  Gaycties  petered  out 
after  a  while.  Sometimes  Leonora  was 
afraid  that  in  order  to  kill  Time  she  would 
either  have  to  mingle  with  her  Children  or 
else  take  to  Reading,  but  she  hated  to  cause 
Talk. 

She  and  W.  Harold  found  themselves  in 
the  great  Army  of  the  Unemployed.  And 
yet  all  the  Factories  were  running  double 
Shifts  and  Harvest  Hands  getting  $3  a  day. 

At  last  they  became  so  Desperate  and 
Lonely  that  they  fell  in  love  with  each  other 
out  of  yearning  Sympathy,  and  this  gave 
rise  to  so  much  Scandal  that  they  had  to  go 
back  to  the  Other  Side  to  live  it  down. 

MORAL :   Beware  of  Government  Bonds. 
[9] 


Sorrowful    Bill    find    the    Sour    Grapes    and 
Sympathetic  Sep. 

* 

ONCE  there  was  a  long  -  headed 
Schemer  who  picked  up  his  Assets 
and  moved  East.  By  breaking  into 
every  Good  Thing  that  came  along  and  nail 
ing  each  Opportunity  to  get  a  stand-in  with 
the  Gentlemen  who  own  the  Universe,  he  was 
enabled  to  stack  up  something  like  a  Million. 

It  looked  big  to  his  Relations  who  lived  out 
West,  but  in  New  York  he  was  a  cheap  Piker. 
His  Steam  Yacht  had  only  one  Funnel  and 
there  were  only  seven  Bath-Rooms  in  his 
House.  In  fact,  he  was  a  good  deal  of  a  Skate 
any  way  you  looked  at  him. 

The  Second-Rater  had  a  Cousin  named  Sep, 
who  lived  in  one  of  our  Middle  States.  In  his 
own  Bailiwick  this  Sep  was  a  very  gallus 
Proposition.  He  owned  a  General  Store  and  a 
Stock  Farm  and  had  Rubber  Tires  on  his 
Buggy  and  wore  Gloves  when  driving. 

After  the  Corn  had  been  laid  by  and  the 
Oats  thrashed,  Sep  had  a  little  time  for  Ro 
mancing  around  over  the  Country.  He 
[10] 


d  Slick  Man, 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

bought  a  paper-muslin  Duster,  had  a  Lunch 
put  up,  and  bought  an  Excursion  Ticket  to 
Morgansville. 

The  struggling  Millionaire  said  he  was 
glad  to  see  Sep.  He  did  not  shout  it  through 
a  Megaphone  or  hang  out  any  Bulletins.  He 
simply  said  that  he  was  glad  to  see  Sep,  and 
he  should  have  been,  for  Seppy  had  slept  two 
nights  in  the  Day  Coach  and  had  just  bought 
a  sack  of  Bananas. 

"  Bill,  it  seems  to  me  that  you  look  kind  of 
peaked,"  said  Sep,  as  he  sank  into  a  Leather 
Chair  and  tackled  Banana  No.  8. 

"  Ah,  yes,  I  have  been  under  a  great 
Strain,"  replied  the  unhappy  Soul.  "  You 
see,  just  when  we  got  that  South-African 
Business  all  straightened  out  and  were  ready 
for  the  Coronation,  then  came  the  Operation, 
and  it  upset  us  dreadfully." 

"  What  are  you  talking  about  ?"  asked  Sep. 

"  The  Anglo  -  Saxon  Alliance,"  replied 
Cousin  Bill.  "  We  are  now  One  People. 
They  don't  know  it,  but  we  are." 

"  The  Alliance  cuts  very  few  Lemons  out 
[12] 


Sep. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

around  Pcavcy's  Junction,"  replied  Sep. 
"  Our  Idee  of  the  Alliance  is  to  stay  Friendly 
with  them  as  long  as  they  buy  our  Beef  Cattle 
and  Grain." 

"  Not  at  all,"  said  Bill.  "  Our  present 
Policy  is  to  skin  them  until  they  are  overcome 
with  Admiration  and  invite  us  to  Dinner. 
You  may  not  know  it,  Sep,  but  New  York  is 
the  Home  of  the  expensive  Meal-Ticket.  For 
instance.  Why  have  I  whip-sawed  the  Market 
all  these  years  and  boned  like  a  Turk  and 
worn  my  nerves  to  a  blithering  Frazzle  in 
this  unending  Wrassle  for  the  Almighty?  Is 
it  because  I  wish  to  endow  a  Presbyterian  Col 
lege  or  establish  Ping-Pong  Parlors  for  plain 
Working  Girls?  Not  on  your  Breakfast 
Food !  Right  across  the  Street  from  us  there 
resides  a  large  Lady  who  has  original 
Knickerbocker  Corpuscles  moving  up  and 
down  in  her  System.  She  has  Blue  Blood, 
and  lots  of  it.  We  are  slathering  our  Cur 
rency  and  giving  her  the  Office  every  day  or 
two  in  the  Hope  that  some  Day  she  will  ask 
us  to  come  over  and  eat  on  her.  When  that 


SORROWFUL  BILL 

gladsome  Moment  arrives,  it's  a  50  to  1  Shot 
that  we'll  all  die  of  Joy." 

"What  seems  to  be  your  Handicap?" 
asked  Sep.  "  You  were  invited  to  all  the 
Parties  when  you  lived  at  Peavey's  Junction." 

"  Any  one  who  comes  in  from  the  Cockle- 
Burr  District  with  a  Bundle  is  known  as  a 
Newvo  Reash,"  replied  Bill.  "  I  don't  know 
what  it  means,  never  having  studied  the  Dead 
Languages,  but  it's  about  the  same  as  a  Slob. 
In  other  words,  if  you  make  your  own  Money 
you're  an  Awful  Thing,  but  if  any  one  slips 
it  to  you  and  you've  never  done  anything  with 
it  except  count  it  and  sprinkle  a  little  Florida 
Water  on  it,  then  you're  a  Nice  Young  Fel 
low.  Now  you  see  what  I'm  up  against.  I'm 
guilty  of  Work,  and  every  one  is  on  to  me. 
The  best  I  can  hope  for  is  that  some  of  my 
Grandchildren  will  Doctor  up  my  Record  and 
finally  draw  the  Meal-Ticket." 

"What  do  you  care?"  asked  Sep.  "I 
wouldn't  wear  out  a  whole  kit  of  Tools  trying 
to  break  into  a  Refrigerator." 

"  Ah,  Septimus,  you  do  not  understand," 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

said  the  disconsolate  Cousin.  "  It  is  the  Boy 
who  starts  in  Life  on  a  Hay-Rack  and  opens 
his  first  Cold  Bottle  at  the  age  of  35, 
who  wants  to  take  his  whole  Tribe  into  the 
Camp  of  the  Zlite  and  swap  Visiting-Cards 
with  the  Vans.  Social  Recognition  has  a  high 
Rating  because  there  are  only  a  few  Shares 
on  the  Market,  and  not  because  it  pays  Divi 
dends." 

"  It  seems  to  me  that  a  Slick  Man  who  can 
beat  almost  any  kind  of  a  Money  Game  ought 
to  learn  in  time  how  to  handle  a  Combine 
that's  in  the  hands  of  a  few  Elderly  Ladies," 
said  Sep. 

"  I'm  afraid  that  a  Man  with  a  tall-grass 
Training  will  make  Breaks  all  his  Life,"  re 
plied  Bill.  "  He's  always  doing  what  he 
wrants  to  do,  instead  of  playing  Follow  your 
Leader.  I  started  to  play  Golf  this  year,  not 
knowing  that  it  was  a  Dead  Card  with  the 
400.  As  for  riding  a  Wheel,  they  take  a  Shot 
at  any  one  who  does  that.  The  Panama  Hat 
is  scratched  because  it  is  worn  by  the  Common 
Sort  who  have  to  engage  in  Thought  during 
[16] 


She  Has  Blue  Blood. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

the  Heated  Season.  Rule  No.  1  of  the  Smart 
Set  is  to  chop  any  Diversion  that  has  caught 
on  with  the  Working  Classes.  As  soon  as  $3 
will  pay  for  a  Motor  Car  and  One  Year's  Sub 
scription,  all  the  real  Blue  Fish  will  give  their 
Machines  to  the  Servants  and  fall  to  the  Air- 
Ship.  Any  one  with  an  old-fashioned  Han 
kering  for  Baseball  and  Family  Rigs  and 
Drug-Store  Sody  Water  and  all  such  Prairie 
Luxuries  has  about  one  Chance  in  a  Million. 
Even  if  my  Plebe  Tastes  didn't  queer  me,  I 
suppose  I  would  be  disqualified  under  the 
Pedigree  Clause.  I  have  been  trying  to 
classify  our  Ancestral  Tree,  and  I  find  that 
it  is  a  Shell-Bark  Hickory  that  has  been 
struck  by  Lightning  several  times.  It  ap 
pears  that  one  morning  about  200  years  ago 
a  Ship  was  ready  to  set  Sail  for  the  New 
World.  A  large  number  of  Foreigners  who 
figured  that  they  couldn't  be  any  worse  off, 
even  among  the  Indians,  had  booked  Passage. 
One  of  our  Ancestors  had  made  arrangements 
to  sail  on  that  Boat.  The  Night  before  -the 
Departure  he  dropped  into  the  Tavern  to  say 

[18] 


SORROWFUL   BILL 

Good-Bye.  He  became  all  diked  up  and  over 
slept  himself.  When  he  arrived  at  the  Dock 
he  saw  the  Ship,  loaded  down  with  First 
Families,  pulling  out  of  the  Harbor.  That 
one  Jag  is  what  put  our  whole  Family  to  the 
Had.  I  figure  that  if  he  had  not  missed  that 
Boat,  I  would  be  sitting  under  an  Awning  at 
Newport  at  this  very  Minute,  with  some  one 
fanning  me.  The  grand  Mistake  our  Folks 
made  was  to  come  in  with  the  Bunch.  Any 
one  living  anywhere  on  the  Other  Side  at 
present  is  strictly  in  it,  and  those  who  came 
over  in  time  to  qualify  for  the  Colonial  Socie 
ties  are  now  regarded  as  It  by  their  distant 
Relations,  but  those  who  have  come  in  during 
the  last  Century  are  simply  unplaced." 

"  I  can't  see  it  in  that  Light  at  all,"  said 
Sep.  "  I  have  been  reading  Ridpath's  His 
tory  of  the  United  States,  and  it  says  we  are 
all  Free  and  Equal." 

"  I  don't  believe  it  circulates  in  Our  Set," 
said  Bill.  "  It  might,  if  some  one  in  London 
would  get  out  a  De  Luxe  Edition." 

"  Bill,"  said  Sep,  "  I  think  you've  got  the 
[19] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

whole  Works  down  pat.     It's  too  bad  that  you 
can't  guess  the  Combination." 

MORAL:      The     Betwixt     and     Between 
Families  know  what  genuine  Grief  is. 


[20] 


What    the   College   Incubator   Did    for   One 
Modest  Lambkin. 


ONE  Autumn  Afternoon  a  gray-hair 
ed  Agriculturist  took  his  youngest 
Olive  Branch  by  the  Hand  and  led 
him  away  to  a  Varsity.  Wilbur  was  18 
and  an  Onion.  He  had  outgrown  his  last 
year's  Tunic,  and  his  Smalls  were  hardly  on 
speaking  terms  with  his  Uppers.  He  had 
large,  warty  Hands,  which  floated  idly  at  his 
sides,  and  his  Wrists  resembled  extra  Sets  of 
Knuckles.  When  he  walked,  his  Legs  gave 
way  at  the  Hinge  and  he  Interfered.  On  his 
Head  was  a  little  Wideawake  with  a  Buckle 
at  the  Side.  Mother  had  bobbed  his  Hair  and 
rubbed  in  a  little  Goose-Grease  to  make  it 
shine.  The  Collar  that  he  wore  was  size  13, 
and  called  the  Rollo  Shape.  It  rose  to  a 
Height  of  a  half-inch  above  his  Neck-Band. 
For  a  Cravat  he  had  a  Piece  of  watered  Silk 
Ribbon  with  Butterflies  on  it. 

Wilbur  had  his  Money  tied  up  in  a  Hand 
kerchief,  and  he  carried  a  Paper  Telescope 
loaded  down  with  one  Complete  Change  and 
[21] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

a  Catalogue  of  the  Institution  showing  that 
the  Necessary  Expenses  were  not  more  than 
$3.40  per  Week. 

As  the  Train  pulled  away  from  Pewee 
eJunction  Wilbur  began  to  Leak.  The  Salt 
Tears  trickled  down  through  the  Archipelago 
of  Freckles.  He  wanted  to  Crawfish,  but  Paw 
bought  him  a  Box  of  Cracker  jack  and  told 
him  that  if  he  got  an  Education  and  improved 
his  Opportunities  some  day  he  might  be 
County  Superintendent  of  Schools  and  get 
his  $900  a  Year  just  like  finding  it.  So  Wil 
bur  spunked  up  and  said  he  would  try  to 
stick  it  out.  He  got  out  the  Catalogue  and 
read  all  of  the  copper-riveted  Rules  for  the 
Moral  Guidance  of  Students. 

The  Curriculum  had  him  scared.  He  saw 
that  in  the  next  four  Years  he  would  have  to 
soak  up  practically  all  the  Knowledge  on  the 
Market.  But  he  was  cheered  to  think  that  if 
he  persevered  and  got  through  he  would  be 
entitled  to  wear  an  Alpaca  Coat  and  a  Lawn 
Tie  and  teach  in*  the  High-School,  so  -he 
took  Courage  and  began  to  notice  the  Scenery. 
[22] 


Carried  a  Paper  Telescope. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

Wilbur  was  planted  in  a  Boarding-House 
guaranteed  to  provide  Wholesome  Food  and  a 
Home  Influence.  Father  went  back  after 
making  a  final  Discourse  on  the  importance 
of  learning  most  everything  in  all  of  the 
Books. 

Nine  Months  later  they  were  down  at  the 
Depot  to  meet  Wilbur.  He  had  written  several 
times,  saying  that  he  could  not  find  time  to 
come  Home,  as  he  was  in  pursuit  of  Knowledge 
every  Minute  of  the  Day,  and  if  he  left  the 
Track,  Knowledge  might  gain  several  Laps 
on  him.  It  looked  reasonable,  too,  for  the 
future  Superintendent  of  Schools  had  spent 
$400  for  Books,  $200  for  Scientific  Appa 
ratus,  and  something  like  $60  for  Chemicals 
to  be  used  in  the  Laboratory. 

When  the  Train  suddenly  checked  itself,  to 
avoid  running  past  the  Town,  there  came  out 
of  the  Parlor  Car  something  that  looked  like 
Fitz,  on  account  of  the  Padding  in  the  Shoul 
ders.  Just  above  one  Ear  he  wore  a  dinky 
Cap  about  the  size  of  a  Postage  Stamp.  The 
Coat  reached  almost  to  the  Hips  and  was  but- 
[24] 


Looked  Like  Fitz. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

toned  below.  The  Trousers  luul  enough  ma 
terial  for  a  suit.  They  were  reefed  to  show 
feverish  Socks  of  a  zigzag  Pattern.  The 
Shoes  were  very  Bull-Doggy,  and  each  had  a 
wide  Terrace  running  around  it.  Father  held 
on  to  a  Truck  for  Support.  Never  before 
had  he  seen  a  genuine  Case  of  the  inflamma 
tory  Rah-Rahs. 

Wilbur  was  smoking  a  dizzy  little  Pipe 
from  which  the  Smoke  curled  upward,  losing 
itself  in  a  copious  Forelock  that  moved  gently 
in  the  Breeze.  Instead  of  a  Collar,  Wilbur 
was  wearing  a  Turkish  Towel.  He  had  the 
Harvard  Walk  down  pat.  With  both  Hands 
in  his  Pockets,  the  one  who  had  been  pursuing 
Knowledge  teetered  towards  the  Author  of  his 
Being  and  said,  "  How  are  you,  Governor?" 

Father  was  always  a  Lightning  Calculator, 
and  as  he  stood  there  trying  to  grasp  and 
comprehend  and  mentally  close  in,  as  it  were, 
on  the  Burlap  Suit  and  the  Coon  Shirt  and 
the  sassy  Pipe,  something"  told  him  that  Wil 
bur  would  have  to  Switch  if  he  expected  to 
be  County  Superintendent  of  Schools. 
[26] 


A  Mutt. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

"  Here  are  my  Checks,"  said  Wilbur,  hand 
ing  over  the  Brasses.  "'Have  my  Trunks, 
my  Golf  Clubs,  my  portable  Punching-Bag, 
the  Suit-Case  and  Hat-Boxes  sent  up  to  the 
House  right  away.  Then  drive  me  Home  by 
the  Outside  Road,  because  I  don't  want  to 
meet  all  these  Yaps.  They  annoy  me." 

"  You'd  better  git  out  of  that  Rig  mighty 
quick  if  you  don't  want  to  be  Joshed,"  said  his 
Parent.  "  Folks  around  here  won't  stand  for 
any  such  fool  Regalia,  and  if  you  walk  like  a 
frozen-toed  Hen  you'll  get  some  Hot  Shots 
or  I  miss  my  Calkilations." 

"  Say,  Popsy,  I've  been  eating  Raw  Meat 
and  drinking  Blood  at  the  Training-Table, 
and  I'm  on  Edge,"  said  Wilbur,  expanding 
his  Chest  until  it  bulged  out  like  a  Thornton 
Squash.  "  If  any  of  these  local  Georgie 
Glues  try  to  shoot  their  Pink  Conversation  at 
me  I'll  toss  them  up  into  the  Trees  and  let 
them  hang  there.  I'm  the  Gazabe  that  Puts 
the  Shot.  Any  one  who  can  trim  a  Police 
man  and  chuck  a  Hackman  right  back  into 
his  own  Hack  and  drive  off  with  him  doesn't 
[28] 


THE   COLLEGE   INCUBATOR 

ask  for  any  sweeter  Tapioca  than  one  of  these 
Gaffer  Greens.  The  Ploughboy  who  is  muscle- 
bound  and  full  of  Pastry  will  have  a  Proud 
Chance  any  time  that  he  struts  across  my 
Pathway.  In  my  Trunks  I  have  eight  suits 
a  little  warmer  than  this  one  and  47 
pairs  of  passionate  Hose.  I'm  out  here  to 
give  the  Cornfields  a  Touch  of  High  Life. 
It's  about  time  that  your  Chaws  had  a  Glimpse 
of  the  Great  Outside  World.  -  Any  one  who 
gets  Fussy  about  the  Color-Combinations  that 
I  spring  from  Day  to  Day  will  be  chopped 
up  and  served  for  Lunch.  To  begin  with, 
I'm  going  to  teach  you  and  Mother  to  play 
Golf.  If  these  Mutts  come  and  lean  over  the 
Fence  and  start  to  get  off  their  Colored- 
Weekly  Jokes  we'll  fan  the  Hill-side  with 
them." 

"  What  do  they  teach  up  at  your  School 
— besides  Murder?"  inquired  Father.  "  I 
thought  you  wanted  to  be  County  Superin 
tendent  of  Schools." 

"  I've  outgrown  all  those  two-by-four 
Ambitions,"  was  the  Reply.  "  I'm  going  to 
[29] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

be  on  the  Eleven  next  Fall.    What  more  could 
you  ask?" 

That  very  week  Wilbur  organized  a  Ball 
Team  that  walloped  Hickory  Crick,  Sand 
Ridge,  and  Sozzinsville.  He  had  the  whole 
Township  with  him.  Every  Cub  at  Pewee 
Junction  began  to  wear  a  Turkish  Towel  for 
a  Collar  and  practise  the  Harvard  Walk. 


MORAL :  A  Boy  never  blossoms  into  his 
full  Possibilities  until  he  strikes  an  Atmos 
phere  of  Culture. 


[30] 


The  Subordinate  Who  Saw  a  Great  Light. 

* 

ONCE  there  was  an  Employe  who  was 
getting  the  Nub   End  of  the  Deal. 
He  kicked  on  the  long  Hours  and  the 
small  Salary,  and  helped  to  organize  a  Clerks' 
Protective  Association.    He  was  for  the  Toiler 
as  against  the  Main  Squeeze. 

In  order  to  keep  him  simmered  down,  the 
Owners  gave  him  an  Interest.  After  that  he 
began  to  perspire  when  he  looked  at  the  Pay- 
Roll,  and  it  did  seem  to  him  that  a  lot  of  big, 
lazy  Lummixes  were  standing  around  the 
Shop  doing  the  Soldier  Act.  He  learned  to 
snap  his  Fingers  every  time  the  Office  Boy 
giggled.  As  for  the  faithful  old  Book- 
Keeper  who  wanted  an  increase  to  $9  and  a 
week's  Vacation  in  the  Summer,  the  best  he 
got  was  a  little  Talk  about  Contentment  being 
a  Jewel. 

The  Associate  Partner  played  Simon  Le- 
grce,  all  except  the  make-up.  The  saddest 
moment  of  the  Day  for  him  was  when  the 
whole  Bunch  knocked  off  at  6  o'clock  in  the 
Evening,  It  seemed  a  Shame  to  call  10  Hours 
[31] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

a  Full  Day.  As  for  the  Saturday  Half-Holi 
day  Movement,  that  was  little  better  than 
Highway  Robbery.  Those  who  formerly 
slaved  alongside  of  him  in  the  Galleys  had  to 
address  him  as  Mister,  and  he  had  them  num 
bered  the  same  as  Convicts. 

One  Day  an  Underling  ventured  to  remind 
the  Slave-Driver  that  once  he  had  been  the 
Friend  of  the  Salaried  Minion. 

"  Right  you  are,"  said  the  Boss.  "  But 
when  I  plugged  for  the  lowly  Wage-Earner 
I  never  had  been  in  the  Directors'  Office  to  see 
that  beautiful  Tableau  entitled  '  Virtue  cop 
ping  out  the  Annual  Dividend.'  I  don't 
know  that  I  can  make  the  Situation  clear  to 
you,  so  I  will  merely  remark  that  all  those 
who  get  on  our  side  of  the  Fence  are  enabled 
to  catch  a  new  Angle  on  this  Salary  Ques 
tion." 

MORAL :  For  Educational  Purposes,  every 
Employe  should  be  taken  into  the  Firm. 


[32] 


Simon  Legree. 


IS&ugged  Hiram   and   Hiram's   Giddy    Wife. 

ONCE  there  was  a  staid  Business  Man 
who  was  hooked  up  with  a  hoop-la 
Spender.  It  was  often  remarked 
that  Hiram's  Wife  seemed  to  take  it  for 
granted  that  Treasury  Notes  grew  on  Trees. 
She  wore  those  long,  lozenge-shaped  Rings 
that  blind  the  Spectator,  and  she  had  a  dif 
ferent  Sunburst  for  every  Day  in  the  Week 
and  a  Diamond  Tarara  that  made  the  other 
Women  sizzle  with  Envy.  She  wore  a  trail 
ing  Work  Gown  that  kept  coming  into  the 
Room  long  after  she  had  entered. 

Now  and  then  she  would  give  a  Party  at 
which  $80  worth  of  Spinach  would  be  hung 
on  the  Chandeliers.  The  highest  -  priced 
Caterer  in  Town  would  deal  out  the  sparkling 
Conversation  Water  as  if  Brut  and  Buttermilk 
cost  about  the  same. 

She  was,  in  very  Sooth,  among  the  highest 
of  the  Rollers,  but  Hiram  stood  for  the  Bills 
with  nary  a  Whimper.  He  was  proud  to  be 
the  Husband  of  the  Lady  Ki-Bosh  of  the 
Local  Knickerbockers. 

[34] 


A   Trailing  Worth  Gown. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

He  never  pranced  into  the  Ring  himself 
for  Fear  that  he  might  Interfere  or  throw  a 
Shoe,  but  he  sat  back  in  Section  A  and  rooted 
for  the  Missus.  Every  time  she  was  awarded 
a  Blue  Ribbon  for  another  Social  Triumph, 
he  was  pleased  beyond  Compare. 

Hiram  was  a  Child  of  Nature,  and  he  never 
had  been  able  to  outgrow  his  Birthright. 
Even  when  he  was  attired  in  his  $135  Evening 
Clothes,  one  could  tell  by  looking  at  him  that 
he  knew  how  to  milk  a  Cow.  He  had  more 
Hands  and  Feet  than  he  could  dispose  of  at 
one  Time. 

Hiram  could  not  comb  his  Hair  so  that  it 
would  Stay,  and  although  he  had  been  in  the 
City  for  30  years  he  never  contrived  to  get 
the  Hang  of  a  tie-it-yourself  Bow  Tie,  so  he 
used  the  kind  that  fastens  behind  with  a  little 
Buckle.  It  was  even  said  that  Hiram  was 
unable  to  put  the  Studs  in  his  Shirt  without 
getting  Finger-Marks  on  the  Bosom.  Hiram's 
Wife  or  daughter  Jessie  always  had  to  go  to 
his  Room  and  look  him  over  and  turn  him 
around  a  couple  of  times  before  they  dared  to 
[36] 


In  His  Evening  Clothes. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

lead  him  out  where  the  Company  could  see 
him. 

When  there  was  a  Theatre-Party,  Hiram 
always  sat  back  between  the  Curtains  so  as  to 
avoid  spoiling  the  Picture,  and  at  the  same 
time  keep  the  Draught  away  from  the  other 
People.  At  a  Dinner-Party  he  was  usually 
put  in  between  two  gabby  Girls  who  had  tacit 
Instructions  to  keep  him  elbowed  into  the 
Background. 

And  yet,  withal,  Hiram  was  a  Man  of  Ster 
ling  Worth  and  many  admirable  Qualities. 
He  was  the  Family  Gibraltar,  while  his  Wife 
and  Jessie  were  supposed  to  be  mere  Floral 
Ornaments.  Best  of  all,  Hiram  was  known 
to  be  a  Star  at  getting  the  Coin.  The  Fact 
that  the  Family  put  up  such  a  tall  Front  in 
the  Society  Column  helped  the  Public  to  be 
lieve  that  Hiram  was  as  good  as  Old  Wheat 
and  as  prosperous  as  a  Kansas  Farmer.  And 
he  was  supposed  to  be  long  on  Business  In 
tegrity.  It  was  argued  that  one  so  Yappy 
would  have  to  be  correspondingly  Honest. 

Hiram  was  so  Severe  and  Puritanical  and 
[38] 


RUGGED   HIRAM 

had  so  much  clinging  Agricultural  Simplicity 
that  no  one  dreamed  the  Truth  about  him.  In 
Reality,  his  Arteries  were  surcharged  with 
Sporting  Blood.  When  no  one  suspected  it, 
he  liked  to  put  on  a  Mask  and  sneak  out  and 
hold  up  the  Stock  Market.  That  is  what  he 
did  until  one  sad  Day  in  May  the  Stock 
Market  upland  Did  him.  He  got  it  right 
where  the  Hired  Girl  wears  the  Ruching. 

Hiram  came  home  as  Pale  as  a  Ghost  and 
broke  the  News  that  he  was  in  the  Hole.  He 
hesitated  to  tell  the  Wife,  for  she  was  a 
Fragile  Being,  unaccustomed  to  the  rude  Buf 
fets  of  the  Strenuous  Life,  and  he  feared  that 
such  a  cruel  Blow  might  crush  her.  But  he 
finally  divulged  the  frightful  Truth  and  then 
flopped  to  the  Settee  and  began  to  Bluff  about 
killing  himself,  so  that  she  could  get  the  In 
surance  Money.  She  told  him  to  Behave,  and 
then  she  went  out  and  made  a  Cup  of  Strong 
Tea  for  him. 

Hiram  had  been  an  Imposing  Figure  so 
long  as  he  had  his  Financial  Underpinning, 
but  when  they  yanked  away  his  Supports  he 
[  39  ] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

did  a  horrible  Collapse.  When  he  got  the 
Swing  in  the  Plexus  and  toppled  over  he 
proved  to  be  a  sorry  Quitter.  He  lay  on  his 
Back  and  claimed  a  Foul,  while  his  Wife  and 
Jessie  hustled  around  to  save  some  of  the 
Wreckage. 

They  gave  up  the  Servants  and  soaked  the 
Jewels  and  moved  into  a  smaller  House.  It 
was  a  rapid  Come-Down,  but  even  while  they 
were  doing  the  Parachute  they  continued  to 
look  Pleasant  and  be  Game.  Although  their 
Female  Friends  came  around  to  express  Sym 
pathy  and  stick  Pins  in  them,  they  forced  the 
Angelic  Smile  and  did  not  act  a  bit  like  Heavy 
Losers. 

They  had  to  take  in  Roomers  and  give  Les 
sons  in  China-Painting  in  order  to  save  Hiram 
from  the  Poor-House,  and  yet  with  all  their 
Skimping  and  Economizing  they  never  pre 
tended  to  know  Poverty. 

When  a  Man  loses  his  Money  he  goes  to  his 
Bedroom  to  drink  himself  into  a  Trance.     A 
Woman  lights  the  House  from  Cellar  to  Gar 
ret  and  sends  out  Invitations  for  a  Party. 
[40] 


Had  to  Take  in  Roomers. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

On  an  Income  of  about  $3  a  Week,  Hiram's 
Wife  and  Daughter  managed  to  keep  up  Ap 
pearances  and  occasionally  have  some  of  their 
Old  Friends  to  Dinner.  Hiram  never  under 
stood  how  they  managed  it.  When  he  looked 
at  his  empty  Bank-Book  and  then  out  at  the 
Cold  World  he  was  for  giving  up  and  disap 
pearing  beneath  the  Waves.  His  Wife  braced 
him  and  told  him  to  think  of  Jessie.  Hiram 
wept  and  said  there  was  no  Hope  for  the  Child 
of  a  Pauper.  Notwithstanding  which,  Hi 
ram's  Wife  kept  the  Family  right  along  in 
the  Swim  and  married  Jessie  to  a  desirable 
Catch.  It  is  true  that  she  starved  the  House 
hold  for  six  months  in  order  to  give  the  Young 
Couple  a  daisy  Send-Off. 

And  all  this  time  Hiram,  the  astute  Busi 
ness  Manager,  was  standing  around  on  one 
Foot  like  a  Town  Simpleton  at  a  Kissing-Bee. 

Hiram  had  learned  how  to  do  Things  with 
Money,  but  he  had  to  turn  to  his  frivolous 
Wifey  to  find  out  how  to  Manage  it  when 
there  was  no  Money. 

In  other  words,  Hiram  discovered  that  Cash 
[42] 


RUGGED   HIRAM 

had  been  the  Essence  of  his  Existence  while  it 
had  been  the  mere  accidental  Adjunct  to  his 
Wife's  Social  Campaigns. 

Without  a  big  Reserve  he  was  a  Smoke. 
She,  minus  her  Check-Book,  rose  to  greater 
heights  of  Diplomacy.  In  time  she  succeeded 
in  resuscitating  her  groggy  Husband  and 
putting  him  back  on  the  Track,  but  he  had 
lost  his  Ginger.  He  was  stoop-shouldered  and 
gray  as  a  Bat. 

She  turned  up  at  the  Club  Meetings  just  as 
chipper  as  of  Yore,  only  she  came  by  Trolley 
instead  of  Coupe. 

MORAL:  It  is  the  upheaval  of  Tough 
Luck  that  causes  a  Transfer  of  the  Family 
Sceptre. 


[43] 


The  Lecture  Tickets  That  Were  Bought  but 
Never   Used. 

£ 

ONCE  there  was  a  Man  living  in  a  Big 
Town  and  he  had  a  Cousin  whom  he 
never  had  seen.  Some  people  are 
very  lucky  as  to  their  Relatives. 

The  Man  who  lived  in  the  Wicked  Metrop 
olis  was  named  Sanford,  and  the  Cousin  who 
lived  out  in  the  Woods  was  known  as  Lafe, 
although  his  real  Name  was  Lafayette. 

Every  Christmas  Sanford  would  send  Lafe 
some  kind  of  a  stingy  Gift,  and  then  Lafe 
would  retaliate  by  shipping  in  a  fat  Turkey 
for  Thanksgiving.  There  was  a  formal  Ex 
change  of  Letters  about  twice  per  Year. 

Sanford  was  a  good  deal  Upset  one  day  to 
receive  Word  that  Cousin  Lafayette  was 
coming  to  spend  a  Week.  Whatever  Joy  he 
felt  he  did  not  show  at  all. 

The  visiting  Cousin  is  liable  to  be  a  Fierce 
Proposition  under  the  most  favorable  Condi 
tions,  but  it  is  more  than  Hard  Luck  to  be 
saddled  with  one  who  is  a  Total  Stranger. 
Sanford  was  hoping  that  the  Train  would 
[44] 


LECTURE   TICKETS   NEVER  USED 

run  off  the  Track,  but  he  wrote  Cousin  Lafe 
to  be  sure  and  come  right  to  the  House. 

Sanford  saw  a  very  pink  Week  ahead  of 
him.  He  was  not  very  Strong  for  the 
Chaperon  Game.  He  could  see  himself  neg 
lecting  Business  in  order  to  lead  Cousin 
Lafe  around  and  show  him  the  Sky-Scrapers, 
the  Animals  in  the  Park,  the  Eden  Musee,  and 
the  big  Engine  in  the  Power-House.  He  had 
observed  that  the  Excursionist  is  always  keen 
to  see  a  lot  of  Sights  that  are  a  Sealed  Book 
to  the  Man  who  lives  right  in  the  City. 

Sanford  tried  to  get  a  Line  on  Cousin  Lafe 
so  as  to  frame  up  the  right  kind  of  a  Pro 
gramme.  He  could  tell  by  the  Picture  in  the 
Family  Album  that  Lafe  was  a  Pure  Charac 
ter  and  somewhat  of  a  Rube.  He  wore  a 
White  Tie  and  had  his  Hair  gummed  down 
on  his  Forehead.  He  looked  as  if  he  would 
like  to  be  a  Preacher  but  could  not  quite 
make  it.  His  open  Countenance  had  that 
sweet  and  trusting  Expression  of  the  Hub- 
bard  Squash  who  is  willing  to  give  two  Tens 
for  a  Five. 

[45] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

So  far  as  San  ford  could  learn,  Cousin  Lafe 
was  a  kind  of  moral  Sign-Board  and  snow- 
white  Object-Lesson  in  the  Jay  Town  which 
claimed  him  as  its  own.  He  was  a  Cemetery 
Trustee  and  Chairman  of  the  Committee  to 
solicit  Funds  for  a  new  Y.  M.  C.  A.  Building. 
Also  he  had  been  prominent  in  the  Sunday- 
Closing  Movement  and  the  Main  Kazoo  in 
the  Citizens'  Reform  League. 

Accordingly,  Sanford  had  all  the  Drink 
ables  removed  from  the  Sideboard,  and  he 
warned  the  Children  not  to  Laugh  while 
Cousin  Lafe  was  saying  Grace  at  the  Table. 
Then  he  went  out  and  bought  some  Tickets 
for  a  Lecture,  and  got  a  written  Permit  to 
go  through  the  Car-Shops. 

He  went  to  the  Station  to  meet  the  rural 
Lamb  and  protect  him  against  the  Cabmen. 
He  saw  a  Hot  Sport  with  a  new  Suit  of 
Clothes  and  a  Red  Tie  come  through  the 
Gate,  but  he  did  not  spot  anything  that  re 
sembled  a  Cemetery  Trustee.  While  he  was 
still  waiting,  the  Hot  Sport  came  up  and  wal 
loped  him  on  the  Back  and  introduced  himself, 
[46] 


In  the  Family  Album, 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

"What  do  you  think?"  asked  the  Presi 
dent  of  the  Yapville  Citizens'  Reform 
League.  "  I  got  into  a  Poker  Game  with  two 
of  them  Ikey  Drummers  on  the  Train  and 
trimmed  them  for  87  Samoleons.  If  the 
Train  had  been  a  half-hour  late  I'd  have  got 
their  Sample-Cases.  I've  got  a  Roll  here 
that  would  choke  a  Horse,  and  I  have  a  Feel 
ing  that  I  am  about  to  Buy.  We  drank  up 
everything  in  the  Dining-Car  except  the 
Catsup  before  we  got  to  Springfield,  and  I 
wouldn't  take  $7  for  my  Thirst.  By  the 
way,  I  want  to  tell  you  that  I've  left  my 
Pajamas  at  Home,  and  you  might  as  well 
move  the  Bed  out  of  my  Room,  because  I 
won't  need  it.  If  you  have  any  Word  to  send 
to  your  Folks  before  we  cut  loose,  step  into 
the  Box  and  telephone  while  you're  still  able 
to  talk." 

"  What  do  you  wish  to  see  first  of  all,  the 
Parks  or  the  Power-House?"  asked  Sanford. 

"  If  it's  all  the  same  to  you,"  said  the 
Cemetery  Trustee,  "  I  should  like  to  begin 
my  Vacation  by  putting  a  tall  Crimp  in  the 
'  [48] 


Introduced  Himself. 


BREAKING  INTO   SOCIETY 

Guy  that  spins  the  little  Ivory  Ball.  Then 
you  can  send  home  for  your  Low-Neck  and 
we  will  have  a  little  Dinner-Party.  I  have 
engaged  the  Louis  XIV.  Room  up  at  the 
Hotel.  I  have  in  my  Suit-Case  no  less  than 
17  Letters  of  Introduction  to  well-known 
Society  Ladies  who  are  always  Hungry. 
This  Afternoon  I  expect  to  have  all  the  Mes 
senger  Boys  in  Town  busy.  When  we  sit 
down  this  Evening  there  will  be  $8  worth  of 
Violets  and  four  Cocktails  at  every  Plate. 
I'll  show  these  Tcssies  that  I'm  no  Piker. 
After  the  Eats  we  are  going  over  and  sit  in 
all  of  the  Boxes  at  that  Rough-Housc  Show 
that  I've  been  reading  about.  After  that  we 
are  going  to  a  nice,  quiet  all-night  Restau 
rant,  where  they  have  the  Hungarian  Or 
chestra,  and  any  one  that  passes  away  before 
6  A.M.  will  be  called  a  Quitter." 

"  Are  you  Cousin  Lafe  or  a  Ringer?" 
asked  Sanford. 

"  I  am  the  Cemetery  Trustee  all  right,  all 
right,"  was  the  reply.  "  A  Cemetery  Trus 
tee  breaks  over  onl  about  once  in  Three 


Had  Him  Down  and  Out. 


BREAKING  INTO   SOCIETY 

Years,  but  when  he  does  hit  the  Track  he 
makes  a  Mile  in  2.00  look  like  a  Funeral 
Procession.  For  many  Months  I  have  been 
drinking  Milk  and  posing  as  an  Example 
for  the  Young.  I  live  in  one  of  those  Towns 
where  every  living  Soul  knows  how  much  I 
pay  for  my  Clothes  and  how  many  Lumps  of 
Sugar  I  put  in  my  Qoffee.  If  I  took  a  Drink 
out  there  everybody  would  know  about  it  in 
twenty  Minutes.  If  I  smoked  a  Cigarette  I 
would  be  hanged  in  Effigy.  I  might  as  well 
\  go  out  and  kill  an  Aged  Woman  with  a 
Hatchet  as  mix  up  in  any  Poker  Games.  So 
I  do  the  Straight  and  Narrow.  But  now 
I'm  up  here  among  the  Electric  Lights  with 
no  one  to  keep  Cases  on  me.  I  am  long  on 
Sleep,  and  I  have  Money  in  every  Pocket. 
I'm  up  here  to  play  a  short  Engagement  as 
the  Village  Indian.  If  you  care  to  follow 
me,  I  think  I  can  put  you  in  right  and  prob 
ably  show  you  a  good  many  Places  that  you 
never  saw  before,  even  if  you  do  live  right 
in  Town." 

Sanford  tried  to  be  Game,  but  in  two  Days 


LECTURE  TICKETS  NEVER  USED 

Cousin  Lafe  had  him  Down  and  Out.  He 
fell  back  and  took  the  Count.  Cousin  Lafe 
took  him  Home  in  a  Hack  and  roasted  him, 
and  told  him  he  was  a  Rhinestone  Sport  and 
a  Mackerel. 

"  I'm  all  in,"  said  the  Wreck.  "  I  admit 
everything  you  say.  The  Man  who  lives  in 
Town  and  thinks  he  is  a  Gay  Dog  isn't  a 
Marker  alongside  of  the  Respectable  Citizen 
from  down  the  Road.  I  am  supposed  to  be  a, 
dissolute  Clubman,  but  I  take  off  my  Hat 
to  a  Cemetery  Trustee." 

Cousin  Lafe  went  back  to  the  Country 
and  reported  that  Sanford  was  a  Nice  Man 
but  seemed  to  be  a  little  Wild. 

MORAL:  Don't  try  to  keep  up  with  any 
Pillar  of  Society. 


[53] 


The  Escape  of  Arthur  and  the  Salvation  of 
Herbert. 


ONCE  there  was  a  lonely  Man  who 
Married,  thinking  that  he  would 
find  a  Home,  but  instead  of  that 
he  ran  into  an  Experiment  Station. 

The  other  end  of  the  Team  was  the 
original  Recipe  Shark  and  Family  Doctor. 

She  was  a  bright,  eagle-eyed  Party  with  a 
high,  throbbing  Forehead,  and  she  was  al 
ways  on  the  lookout  for  New  Wrinkles. 
Any  time,  that  she  picked  up  the  Lady's 
Household  /Friend  and  read  about  a  Cure 
for  Chilblains  she  would  cut  out  the  Article 
with  the  Button-Hole  Scissors,  and  then  for 
Days  afterwards  she  would  be  snooping 
around  for  a  Case  of  Chilblains  so  that  she 
could  work  on  it. 

She  had  about  3000  of  these  Home  Reme 
dies  up  her  Sleeve,  and  any  time  that  Ar 
thur  complained  of  the  slightest  Ache  or 
Pain  she  lit  on  him  like  a  Bee  on  a  Flower 
and  started  in  with  one  of  her  famous  Treat 
ments. 

[84] 


THE  ESCAPE  OF  ARTHUR 

She  loved  these  private  Clinics,  with  Ar 
thur  strapped  to  the  Operating-Table.  He 
had  been  blistered  in  so  many  different 
Places  and  handed  so  many  kinds  of  Dope 
that  he  became  Leery,  in  time,  and  always 
claimed  to  be  feeling  Immense,  even  though 
he  did  not  think  he  would  live  through  the 
Day. 

She  had  some  awful  Things  ribbed  up 
for  him  any  time  that  he  showed  up  with  a 
Bad  Cold.  She  would  give  him  Vinegar  Tea 
and  a  Lump  of  Sugar  soaked  in  Kerosene. 
Then  she  would  parboil  his  Feet  and  hand 
him  a  few  Onion  Poultices,  and  put  him  to 
Bed  with  all  the  Covers  over  him  and  let 
him  lie  there  and  Sozzle. 

Sometimes  she  almost  drove  him  to  Drink, 
but  he  did  not  dare  to  drink  very  much  for 
fear  that  she  would  give  him  some  Secret 
Cure  in  his  Coffee,  and  thereby  rob  him  of  a 
Thirst  which  he  prized  very  highly. 

The  Missus  was  a  firm  Believer  in  all  these 
How-To  Flim-Flams  that  run  in  the  Monthly 
Magazines : 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

How  to  Beautify  the  Home  without  spend 
ing  a  Cent. 

How  to  live  on  78  Cents  a  Week. 

How  to  become  a  Lady  Sandow  by  exer 
cising  3  Minutes  every  Day. 

How  to  lift  a  $2000  Mortgage  on  a  Salary 
of  $10  per  Week. 

Usually,  when  he  came  Home  he  found 
her  draping  an  old  Mother  Hubbard  over  a 
Shoe-Box  so  as  to  make  a  Hall  Seat,  or  else 
she  had  a  Hot  Poker  and  was  burning  a  High- 
Art  Design  on  a  Wooden  Platter.  Not  one 
of  the  Fads  got  past  Experimental  Lizzie. 
She  took  a  Fall  out  of  every  One. 

Sometimes  when  Arthur  would  come  down 
to  Breakfast,  ready  to  punish  a  few  Links  of 
Farm  Sausage,  he  would  find  in  front  of  him 
a  Bowl  full  of  what  looked  a  good  deal  like 
Asbestos  Packing. 

"  Is  it  to  eat  ?"  he  asked,  backing  off. 

"  The   surest   thing   you   know,"   was   the 
Reply.     "  It  is  Hokopoko,  the  new  tasteless 
Breakfastine,  and  it  is  recommended  by  all 
the  Dyspeptics  and  Physical  Wrecks." 
[56] 


Private  Clinics. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

"  I  don't  want  to  get  my  dietary  Hunches 
from  the  Death  Chamber,"  said  Arthur.  "  I 
should  prefer  to  take  my  Tips  from  a  good, 
husky  Farm-Hand." 

"  But  this  has  62  per  cent,  of  Nitro-Glu- 
tine,  and  one  Tablespoonful  contains  the 
same  Nourishment  that  may  be  found  in  18 
Pounds  of  Sirloin  Steak." 

"  Say,  why  don't  you  buy  a  good,  strong 
Dog  and  try  these  Things  on  him?"  asked 
Arthur.  "  I  refuse  to  take  any  more  of  this 
Chop-Feed.  If  you  want  to  get  it  into  me 
you'll  have  to  give  me  Gas  and  then  inject  it 
into  my  Arm." 

So  she  said  she  would  Compromise  by  let 
ting  him  have  some  Cereal  Sausage.  It  look 
ed  just  the  same  as  Sausage,  and  you  could 
not  tell  the  difference  until  you  started  to 
Eat  it. 

What  with  the  Health  Underwear,  the 
Electric  Belts,  the  Pillows  stuffed  with  Pine- 
Cones,  etc.,  etc.,  etc.,  Arthur  was  constantly 
reminded  of  the  Fact  that  he  was  being  used 
for  experimental  Purposes. 
[58] 


The  New  Tasteless  Breakfastine. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

He  did  not  enjoy  a  real  Let-Up  until  little 
Herbert  arrived.  When  Herbert  was  3  Days 
old  Mamma  began  to  read  Books  on  the 
Child  Mind.  Within  a  Month  she  had  little 
Herby  propped  up  in  the  Crib  doing  Kinder 
garten  Stunts,  with  two  or  three  Old  Maids 
off  on  the  Side  Lines  coaching  to  beat  the 
Band. 

Arthur  would  butt  in  occasionally  and  try 
to  protect  his  helpless  Offspring,  and  then  he 
would  get  a  hard  Call-Down.  The  Missus 
had  a  large  Scrap-Book  full  of  Helpful 
Hints  to  Amateur  Mothers. 

She  started  in  at  Page  1  and  gave  Herbert 
the  whole  Works.  Whenever  any  one  who 
knew  all  about  the  Care  of  Children  brought 
her  a  new  Preparation,  she  either  fed  it  to 
little  Herby  or  else  rubbed  it  on  his  Back. 

Arthur  had  the  old-fashioned  Notion  that 
all  a  Kid  needed  was  a  Milk  Diet  and  some 
thing  Rubber  on  which  to  chew,  but  the 
Chief  of  the  Experiment  Station  had  a  lot  of 
Club  Theories  to  be  tested,  and  she  was  work 
ing  on  little  Herbert  every  Minute. 
[60] 


Little  Herby's  Fate. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

This  made  it  Fine  for  Father,  because  he 
could  shake*  his  Electric  Belt  and  get  some 
real  Food  by  fixing  it  with  the  Hired  Girl, 
but  it  was  a  fierce  Lay-Out  for  little  Herbert. 
Herbert  never  had  a  Chance  to  sneak  out  to 
the  Club  and  tell  his  Troubles  and  get  a  lot 
of  Sympathy. 

Herbert  had  to  stay  right  there  in  the 
House  and  let  the  Mothers'  Club  practise  on 
him. 

"He's  a  Wonder,"  said  Arthur  to  his 
Friends  at  the  Club.  "  If  he  lives  through 
it  he'll  make  a  grand  Foot-Ball  Player  some 
Day." 

/"When   Herbert   was   6   years   of   Age   the 
/Scientific  Mother  had  him  reading  Bliss  Car 
man.     Father  tried  to  slip  him  Mother  Goose 
on  the  quiet,  but  was  headed  off. 
"-"Still,  Arthur  was  not  discouraged. 

"  There  is  always  one  Hope  for  the  Boy 
who  is  brought  up  according  to  League 
Rules,"  said  the  Father.  "Wait  until  he 
gets  into  the  Public  School,  and  he  will  get 
wise  to  a  Few  Things  and  probably  flash  a 
[62] 


THE   ESCAPE   OF   ARTHUR 

few    unexpected    Developments    on    Mother 
Dear." 

Sure  enough,  when  Teacher  wrote  a  Note 
and  said  that  Angel  had  shied  a  Brick  at  a 
Teamster,  and,  furthermore,  had  licked  the 
inoffensive  Son  of  a  poor  Hod-Carrier,  the 
Experimental  Mother  threw  a  Back-Twister 
and  wondered  why  the  Club  System  had 
failed  to  work  out. 

MORAL:  As  the  Father  is  Bent  the 
Child  is  Inclined. 


[63] 


The    Up-to-Date    Atlas     Who    Carried    the 
World  on  His  Shoulders. 


ONCE  there  lived  in  a  Jim  Crow 
Town  a  glowing  Intellect  who  was 
Posted  on  all  the  Issues  of  the  Day. 

Some  one  had  to  keep  Cases  on  the  Gov 
ernment  and  prevent  the  whole  Outfit  from 
getting  out  of  Kelter,  and  so  the  Job  fell  to 
Mordecai  F.  Quinsy.  Mr.  Quinsy  found  that 
he  could  give  his  Time  to  regulating  the 
Washington  Game  because  his  Wife  did  Sew 
ing  and  his  Daughter  was  an  Expert  Stenog 
rapher.  Between  them  they  kept  him  sup 
plied  with  good  5-cent  Cigars  and  relieved 
his  Mind  of  all  Business  Cares. 

He  had  nothing  to  worry  him  except  Af 
fairs  of  State. 

When  he  tackled  a  large  International 
Problem  he  could  do  so  with  a  keen,  active 
Brain  that  had  not  been  fagged  out  by  any 
cheap  Exertion,  such  as  trying  to  locate  the 
Winter's  Supply  of  Coal. 

Mr.  Quinsy  had  the  solemn  Phiz  of  a  pro 
fessional  Pall-Bearer,  and  much  meditation 
[64] 


An  International  Problem. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

had  corrugated  the  Front  of  the  Dome. 
Those  who  merely  caught  one  Flash  of  him 
and  never  looked  up  his  Record  and  checked 
off  his  Pedigree  thought  he  was  about  due 
to  break  into  the  Senate.  To  tell  the  cold 
and  icy  Truth,  Mordecai  could  not  have  been 
elected  Constable,  but  just  the  same  he  knew 
all  about  John  Hay's  next  Move,  and  some 
times  he  fretted  a  good  deal  for  Fear  that 
John  would  make  a  Miscue  and  permit  him 
self  to  be  Hornswaggled  by  them  foreign 
Diplomats. 

Mr.  Quinsy  could  sit  on  a  Kit  of  Mackerel, 
with  a  Bunch  of  Keys,  a  Barlow  Knife,  a 
Plug  of  good  eating  Tobacco,  and  about  35 
cents  in  Currency  secreted  in  his  Jeans,  and 
he  could  tell  the  Treasury  Department  just 
how  to  manage  the  next  $100,000,000  Issue 
of  Bonds. 

One  thing  that  worried  Mr.  Quinsy  a  lot 
was  the  possibility  that  Teddy  would  make 
some  serious  Mistake.  He  felt  more  or  less 
responsible  for  Teddy,  inasmuch  as  he  had 
formally  nominated  him  in  front  of  Pilkins's 
[66] 


THE   UP-TO-DATE   ATLAS 

Hardware  Store  as  far  back  as  1889.  If  he 
could  have  been  at  Teddy's  Elbow  all  the 
time  to  whisper  Advice  there  would  have  been 
no  Chance  for  the  Administration  to  get 
balled  up.  But  the  Trouble  was  that  Mr. 
Quinsy  was  out  at  Peewec  Junction  and 
Teddy  was  up  at  Washington,  and  they 
could  not  get  together  to  frame  up  a  Pol 
icy. 

Mr.  Quinsy  was  a  man  of  Regular  Habits 
and  very  Methodical.  He  had  so  much  to  do 
every  Day  that  he  had  to  work  on  a  close 
Schedule. 

In  the  Morning,  after  his  Wife  had  arisen 
and  started  the  Fire  and  put  on  the  Griddle, 
Mr.  Mordecai  F.  Quinsy  would  arise  and 
take  a  few  Observations  of  the  Weather.  He 
was  a  very  able  Prognosticator,  and  one  of 
his  favorite  Stunts  was  to  get  up  in  the 
Morning  and  do  a  little  Forecasting  for  the 
benefit  of  his  Wife  and  Daughter. 

After  Breakfast  he  put  on  his  Overcoat 
and  wrapped  himself  up  in  a  Comforter  so 
as  not  to  catch  Cold  and  lose  the  Use  of  his 
[67] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

Voice.  If  Mordecai  F.  Quinsy  had  lost  the 
use  of  his  Voice  this  Country  would  have 
been  in  a  Bad  Way. 

Mr.  Quinsy  knew  a  Druggist  who  took  a 
Daily  Paper,  and  so,  the  first  thing  every 
Morning,  he  went  to  the  Drug  Store  to  find 
out  what  Fool  Break  had  been  made  by  Con 
gress.  After  reading  the  Paper  he  sat  by 
the  Stove  and  laid  out  some  Work  for  the 
Ways  and  Means  Committee. 

After  which  he  went  down  to  the  Station 
to  see  Number  Six  go  through. 

After  which  he  went  up  to  the  Post-Office 
to  wait  until  the  Mail  had  been  distrib 
uted.  One  day  in  1878  Mordecai  received 
a  Seed  Catalogue,  and  after  that  he  was  en 
couraged.  While  waiting  for  his  Mail  Mr. 
Quinsy  said  a  few  plain  Words  about  the 
Kaiser  and  stood  up  for  the  Monroe  Doc 
trine. 

About   11    o'clock   every  day   Mr.   Quinsy 

acted  as  Referee  in  a  Pool  Game,  and  then 

went  over  to  the  Barber  Shop  to  look  at  the 

Illustrated    Papers    containing   the    Pictures 

[68] 


Number  Six. 


BREAKING  INTO   SOCIETY 

of  Footlight  Favorites  and  Noted  Criminals. 
Mr.  Quinsy,  being  possessed  of  an  Analytical 
Mind,  was  deeply  interested  in  all  Murder 
Mysteries,  and  for  every  Case  he  had  a  few 
Theories  of  his  own  that  would  have  been  a 
great  help  to  the  Police. 

Just  at  12  o'clock  Mr.  Quinsy  went  home 
and  ate  a  hearty  Dinner,  after  which  he  re 
turned  to  Main  Street  smoking  a  Farm-Hand 
Regalia  and  gazing  thoughtfully  at  the 
Ground,  trying  to  straighten  out  the  Panama 
Canal  Business. 

In  the  Afternoon  he  hung  around  the 
Court-House  more  or  less  because  he  played 
a  good  Game  of  Checkers,  and,  besides,  he 
liked  to  be  on  hand  in  case  the  State  needed 
the  Services  of  an  unprejudiced  Juror. 
^X^Mr.  Quinsy  had  a  Weak  Back,  which  pre 
vented  him  from  splitting  Wood,  but  he 
loved  some  kinds  of  Work,  and  the  Honest 
Toil  that  suited  him  best  was  to  sit  on  a 
Jury  in  a  Case  involving  Assault  and  Bat 
tery. 

If  there  was  nothing  doing  at  the  Court- 
[70] 


Suffering. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

House,  Mr.  Quinsy  usually  went  to  a  Real- 
Estate  Office  and  grappled  with  the  Trust 
Problem.  He  had  given  much  Thought  to 
the  Matter  of  legislating  against  infamous 
Combines,  and  he  was  one  of  the  first  to  dis 
cover  that  the  Trusts  were  trying  to  whip-saw 
the  Working  Classes. 

About  the  time  that  he  had  solved  the 
Trust  Problem  he  had  to  go  over  and  see  the 
Afternoon  Train  go  through  and  wait  for 
his  Mail  once  more. 

Late  in  the  Day  he  usually  dropped  in  at 
an  Undertaker's  Shop  where  a  Veterinary 
Surgeon  and  a  retired  Truck  Farmer  were 
collaborating  on  a  Foreign  Policy  for  the 
State  Department.  Mr.  Quinsy  was  always 
able  to  slip  in  a  few  Suggestions.  He  was 
dead  set  against  the  Anglo-Saxon  Alliance, 
and  believed  in  the  Annexation  of  Canada, 
even  if  it  involved  War. 

At   5.30   he   would   purchase   a   Pound   of 

Oyster    Crackers    and    have    them    charged. 

Then  he  would  go  home  to  Tea,  and  tell  Mrs. 

Quinsy  and  Daughter  to  fix  up  the  Sofa  for 

[72] 


THE   UP-TO-DATE   ATLAS 

him   as  he   was   suffering   from   a   Headache 
and  wanted  to  Rest  for  a  little  while. 

MORAL :   What  we  need  in  America  is  the 
Gospel  of  Relaxation. 


[73] 


Hazel's  Two  Husbands  and  What  Became  of 
Them. 


ONCE    there    was    a    Nice    Girl    who 
graduated    from    the    High  -  School 
in   a  White   Organdie,   and   read   an 
Essay,  on  Heliotrope  Paper,  entitled  "  Life 
and  Its  Opportunities." 

The  Girl's  Name  was  Hazel,  and  about  the 
time  she  drew  the  Diploma  she  was  eating 
Sour  Pickles  and  just  crazy  to  be  an  Au 
thoress.  A  few  Months  later  she  Debut-ted 
with  a  Fanfare  of  Trumpets,  after  which 
she  was  so  busy  straightening  out  her  Dates 
and  sorting  over  her  Dance  Programmes  that 
she  forgot  all  about  her  Literary  Ambitions. 
Hazel  was  built  on  the  Gibson  Plan,  and 
it  looked  as  if  a  good,  fresh  Breeze  might 
blow  her  away.  Just  the  same,  when  she 
went  to  a  Hop  she  was  good  for  everything 
from  the  Grand  March  to  "  Home,  Sweet 
Home."  All  she  needed  to  keep  her  on  the 
Jump  throughout  the  entire  Night  was  a 
dab  of  Chicken  Salad  and  a  Macaroon  about 

1    A.M. 

[74] 


HAZEL'S   TWO   HUSBANDS 

Hazel  stood  in  with  the  real  Rowtly-Dows 
and  was  present  at  most  of  the  tall  Doings, 
but  she  was  a  trifle  shy  on  Wardrobe.  Papa 
had  a  large  Family  hitched  behind  his  lowly 
Apple-Cart,  and  he  could  not  provide  Hazel 
with  very  many  Snake  Rings  and  Diamond 
Belt-Buckles. 

So  foxy  Hazel  had  the  Weather  Eye  at 
work.  She  was  looking  for  something  Kind 
and  Easy. 

Of  course,  she  liked  the  Boys  she  met  at 
the  Dances.  They  were  lovely  Chaps  and 
kept  their  Hair  combed  nicely.  Each  one  of 
them  owned  another  Suit  of  Clothes  and  a 
Banjo,  but  Hazel  was  not  looking  for  a 
Banjo.  She  was  hoping  for  a  Perfect  Gen 
tleman  who  would  hand  her  a  Check-Book 
and  tell  her  to  go  as  far  as  she  liked. 

Therefore,  when  an  Elderly  Bachelor  with 
an  Income  of  several  Dollars  per  Minute 
began  to  hang  around,  she  hearkened  to  the 
Voice  of  Reason. 

Hazel  found  herself  in  a  swell  Shack  right 
on  the  Boulevard,  with  14  Vassals  to  do  her 
[  75  ] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

Bidding  and  a  Change  of  Jewelry  for  every 
Hour  in  the  Day. 

Husband  would  arise  at  7.30  and  pike  to 
the  Office,  but  Hazel  would  take  her  Coffee  in 
Bed  about  10.30  and  then  read  the  Sussiety 
Notes,  for  fear  that  her  Name  had  got  into 
the  Papers.  Then  she  would  have  her  Hair 
done  up  and  permit  two  or  three  strong 
Servants  to  lift  her  into  her  Clothes.  Then 
she  would  go  out  for  a  little  Ride  in  a  Royal 
Equipage  padded  14  inches  deep.  All  this 
time  the  Money-Getter  would  be  answering 
the  Telephone  with  one  Hand  and  dictating 
Contracts  with  the  Other. 

At  6.30,  when  the  Producer  showed  up 
for  Dinner,  he  was  a  Faded  Flower,  and  had 
about  as  much  Gimp  as  a  Wet  Towel.  But 
Hazel,  when  she  began  to  sniff  the  Night 
Air,  was  just  as  kittenish  as  a  Broncho  and 
keen  for  a  Frolic.  She  was  for  taking  in  a 
chaste  and  instructive  Musical  Comedy  and 
then  having  a  tasty  little  Supper  of  about 
11  Courses. 

If  the  Producer  tried  to  lie  down  and 
[76] 


10.80    A.M. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

claimed  that  it  had  been  a  Hard  Day  at  the 
Office,  Hazel  accused  him  of  being  a  Slob- 
sterine,  and  intimated  that  he  had  ceased  to 
Love.  After  sitting  around  all  Day,  Hazel 
was  not  hankering  for  any  Quiet  Evening 
in  the  Library.  She  wanted  to  get  out  and 
hit  up  the  High  Spots  and  dazzle  the  Public 
with  her  Al  Exhibit  of  Precious  Stones. 

Papa  knew  that  if  he  did  not  go  she  would 
call  up  some  of  the  Live  Ones  and  leave  him 
behind.  He  wanted  to  be  game,  so  he  would 
trail  along  and  hover  like  a  Dark  Cloud  at 
the  Outskirts  of  the  Happy  Group.  The 
only  time  any  one  paid  any  Attention  to  him 
was  when  the  Check  came. 

Hazel  had  him  going  South  most  of  the 
Time. 

If  he  ever  started  to  rise  up  and  declare 
himself  she  would  give  him  a  sweet  little  Kiss, 
right  on  the  Forehead,  and  tell  him  to  lie 
down  and  Behave. 

'  There  is  only  one  Finish  for  the  deluded 
Mortal  who  tries  to  work  on  a  Day  Schedule 
and  at  the  same  time  cover  the  Bright-Light 

[78] 


The  Slobsterim, 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

District  with  the  Night  Shift.  He  winds  up 
as  the  Principal  Attraction  of  a  Daylight 
Function  at  which  six  of  his  old-time  Friends 
wear  White  Gloves.  Every  one  sends  Flowers, 
but  he  does  not  have  to  acknowledge  them. 

Hazel  looked  very  well  in  Black,  but  it 
was  Hard  Lines  for  her  to  stay  in-doors.  She 
knew  it  would  cause  Talk  if  she  cut  loose  be 
fore  the  Grass  was  Green  in  the  Family  Lot, 
so  she  was  pulling  for  an  Early  Spring  and 
plenty  of  Rain. 

When  she  bought  her  Second  Ticket  for 
the  Merry-go-Round,  she  was  determined  on 
one  Thing. 

"  The  next  one  I  pick  out  will  not  be  tied 
down  to  any  Office,"  she  told  herself.  "  I 
want  a  Man  who  can  keep  awake  all  Evening. 
I  refuse  to  travel  with  Quitters.  What  we 
need  in  this  Country  to  put  Ginger  into  our 
Social  Affairs  are  Gentlemen  of  Leisure 
who  begin  to  get  Good  along  about  Mid 
night." 

So  she  picked  out  a  handsome  Wretch  of 
Good  Family  who  never  had  worked  a  Mo- 
[80] 


She  Obtained  a  Decree. 


BREAKING  INTO   SOCIETY 

ment  in  all  of  his  Life,  and  who  hated  the 
sight  of  a  Bed. 

He  argued  that  it  was  Bad  Form  for  any 
one  to  suggest  going  home  before  Daybreak. 

They  went  travelling  together  as  soon  as 
she  had  settled  the  Insurance.  When  they 
arrived  in  a  New  Town  he  would  go  out  to 
buy  a  Package  of  Cigarettes,  and  then  he 
would  return  in  three  days  to  find  out  if 
everything  was  O.  K.  and  if  she  was  having 
a  Nice  Time. 

But  you  could  say  one  Word  to  his  Credit. 
He  never  interfered  with  any  of  her  Arrange 
ments,  for  the  Reason  that  when  the  Ar 
rangements  were  being  made  he  was  Non 
Est.  He  belonged  to  several  Clubs,  at  which 
the  Members  removed  their  Pajamas  to  put 
on  Evening  Clothes.  Sometimes  he  met  his 
Wife  at  Dinner-Part ies,  and  when  he  did  so 
he  showed  her  every  Consideration  and  asked 
her  if  she  was  still  living  at  the  same  Place. 
He  never  forgot  to  be  a  Gentleman,  even  at 
a  Dinner-Party. 

Although  she  saw  him  only  about  once  a 
[88] 


HAZEL'S  TWO  HUSBANDS 

Week,  she  always  had  this  Consolation:  She 
knew  he  was  not  working  himself  to  Death  in 
any  Office. 

When  she  applied  for  a  Divorce,  the  Offi 
cers  had  to  Hunt  a  long  Time  before  they 
found  him. 

He  was  very  much  Pained,  and  said  he  had 
never  used  a  harsh  or  cruel  Word  to  her,  be 
cause  he  always  talked  over  the  Phone,  with 
Central  listening. 

She  obtained  a  Decree,  and  as  she  was 
leaving  the  Court-Room  she  was  met  by  a 
sympathetic  Friend. 

"What  are  you  going  to  do  next?"  asked 
the  Friend. 

"  I  am  going  to  buy  a  Dog,"  was  the 
Reply. 

MORAL:  It  is  often  necessary  to  try  two 
or  three  before  the  Right  Kind  is  Landed. 


[83] 


The  Galley  Slave  Who  Was  Just  About  To 
but  Never  Did. 

« 

ONCE  there  was  a  Youth  who  tackled 
the  Mercantile  Career  at  a  very 
light  Stipend. 

His  chief  Ambition  in  Life  was  to  get  so 
far  ahead  of  the  Game  that  he  could  afford  a 
nice  Cutaway  Suit,  a  swell  Derby  for  Sun 
day,  and  a  14-karat  De  Beers  set  in  a  massive 
Gold  Band. 

He  learned  to  embrace  the  Country  Trade 
and  talk  175  Words  per  Minute,  so  that  in  a 
little  while  he  had  an  Offer  from  an  Opposi 
tion  Concern.  Whereupon  he  said  he  hated 
to  leave,  but — and  the  House  stood  for  an 
Increase. 

He  came  into  the  Cutaway  and  the  Ring, 
and  then  he  found  that  he  needed  a  Spike- 
Tail  and  a  Folding-Hat  and  a  Cape-Coat. 
His  Glad  Raiment  carried  him  right  into 
Sussiety,  and  he  began  to  meet  Gazelles  that 
suited  him,  so  he  figured  on  the  Probable  Ex 
pense  of  Keeping  House. 

He  thought  that  if  he  could  annex  a  good- 


He  Came  into  the  Cutaway. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

looking  Tottie  with  large,  soulful  Eyes,  and 
take  an  Apartment  and  keep  a  Girl,  then  he 
would  be  fixed  for  sure. 

So  he  went  out  for  more  Salary  and  car 
ried  the  Bank-Book  next  to  his  Heart.  At 
last  the  Proud  Day  arrived  when  he  had  his 
own  Flat,  with  a  rented  Piano  in  the  Front 
Room  and  Tidies  on  the  Chairs.  Before  the 
Lease  expired  Pet  discovered  that  the  Din- 
ing-Room  was  too  small,  and  began  to  dream 
Dreams  of  a  House  of  their  Own  in  which 
they  could  Entertain.  So  he  tucked  back  his 
Cuffs  and  took  a  fresh  Grip  on  the  World 
of  Trade,  and  boned  like  a  Turk,  making 
Payments  on  the  House.  He  was  beginning 
to  look  round  -  shouldered,  but  he  drank 
plenty  of  Coffee  and  smoked  fat  Cigars  and 
buckled  down. 

He  had  it  all  planned  to  take  a  good  Rest 
as  soon  as  he  had  lifted  the  Mortgage.  He 
went  so  far  as  to  send  out  for  Time-Tables 
and  look  at  the  Pictures  of  People  sitting 
around  in  Steamer  Chairs  enjoying  the  Sea 
Air. 

[86] 


THE   GALLEY   SLAVE 

He  would  have  taken  a  nice,  long  Vacation, 
only  he  saw  a  Chance  to  break  into  the  Firm. 
Accordingly  he  went  in  Debt  up  to  his  Eyes. 
He  would  lie  awake  at  Night  casting  up  his 
Liabilities  and  computing  Interest.  He  talk 
ed  to  himself  on  the  Street,  and  acted  just 
the  least  bit  Dippy.  But  he  was  determined 
to  swing  the  Deal,  and  then,  as  soon  as  he  was 
out  of  the  Woods,  he  could  take  a  Trip  and 
hang  around  Picture-Galleries  and  ride  in 
Gondolas  and  have  the  Time  of  his  Life, 
with  nothing  to  worry  him. 

For  Years  he  had  said  that  it  was  a  Crime 
for  any  one  Man  to  pile  up  more  than  $100,- 
000.  As  soon  as  he  went  above  that  Figure 
it  was  a  Case  of  sitting  up  Nights  to  count 
it.  As  soon  as  he  had  that  Hundred  Thou 
sand  raked  up  and  tied  in  Bundles, then  for  a 
Quiet  Spot  near  a  Body  of  Water  and  a 
Naphtha  Launch  and  the  free,  open  Life  of 
the  Golf  Links. 

To  the  50-cent  Table-d'Hote  Fellow,  100,- 
000  Samolcons  in  one  Lump  looks  bigger 
than  the  Union  Station,  but  the  Man  who  is 
[87] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

being  gnawed  by  the  Mazuma  Bacillus  thinks 
he  is  a  Pauper  unless  he  can  count  up  Seven 
Figures.  He  is  always  sizing  up  alongside 
of  Rockefeller  and  Morgan,  and  he  feels  like 
a  Piker  sitting  in  a  stiff  Poker  Game  with 
one  White  Seed. 

Just  about  the  time  the  Business  Man 
counted  up  $100,000  to  the  Good  he  dis 
covered  that  he  needed  seven  Servants  around 
the  House.  And  the  Missus  could  float  down 
town  on  a  sunny  Afternoon  and  make  $1000 
look  like  a  Pinch  of  Small  Change. 

He  set  his  Mark  at  One  Million.  Then, 
when  he  had  that,  out  to  the  Sylvan  Dell. 
He  was  going  to  be  a  Gentleman  Farmer. 

Every  Office  Building  on  Earth  is  con 
gested  with  hollow-eyed  Prisoners  who  are 
planning  to  be  Gentleman  Farmers.  About 
next  Year  or  Year  after — away  from  the 
Hurly  Burly  and  nothing  to  do  except  raise 
Chickens. 

All  of  them  have  those  Chicken  Dreams. 
This  Business  Man  whom  we  are  describing 
even  went  so  far  as  to  pick  out  the  kind  of 
[88] 


Fourteen  Push-Buttons  in  Front 
of  Him. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

Chickens  he  was  going  to  raise — Plymouth 
Rocks.  He  figured  how  many  Eggs  he  could 
get  per  Hen,  and  sometimes,  when  the  Pencil 
was  working  well,  he  estimated  that  he  could 
make  the  Place  self-supporting. 

In  the  mean  time  he  was  humping  himself 
and  eating  Pepsin  Tablets  and  taking  a  little 
something  every  Night  to  make  him  Sleep. 

The  Business  had  developed  so  that  he  had 
fourteen  Push-Buttons  in  front  of  him,  and 
kept  two  Stenographers  busy,  and  was  jump 
ing  from  the  Long  -  Distance  Phone  to  the 
Private  Office  most  of  the  Time,  and  chewing 
up  30-cent  Cigars,  and  in  other  Ways  giv 
ing  a  correct  Imitation  of  a  Man  who  has  a 
large  and  ambitious  Family  on  Hand. 

He  began  to  look  Wild  out  of  the  Eyes 
and  had  a  severe  Case  of  the  Jumps,  but  he 
had  to  postpone  that  Rest  for  a  little  While, 
because  no  one  else  understood  all  the  De 
tails  of  the  Business. 

When  the  Doctor  hinted  about  Nervous 
Prostration  he  said  that  he  was  trying  to  get 
the  whole  Organization  down  to  a  System,  so 
[90] 


Would  be  All  Right  in  a  Day 
or  So. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

that  some  one  else  could  step  in  and  run  it, 
after  which  he  expected  to  take  a  Place  in 
the  Country  and  raise  Chickens.  He  told  the 
Chicken  Story  so  often  he  began  to  believe  it 
himself. 

In  order  to  systematize  the  Large  Business 
so  that  he  could  turn  it  over  to  some  one  else 
and  then  have  his  Vacation,  he  began  to  put 
in  16  hours  a  Day,  and  landed  in  the  large 
Corner  Room,  with  a  Trained  Nurse  putting 
Ice  on  his  Head  and  telling  him  he  would  be 
all  right  in  a  Day  or  so. 

He  had  a  Ticker  put  in  at  one  side  of  the 
Bed,  and  kept  a  Stenographer  on  hand  up  to 
the  Afternoon  that  he  departed  this  life. 

It  is  said  that  when  he  went  to  his  Reward 
he  was  met  by  a  Celestial  Attendant,  who 
proved  to  be  the  Recording  Angel. 

"  If  you're  the  Recording  Angel,  get  out 
your  Book,"  said  the  Business  Man.  "  I 
want  you  to  take  a  few  Letters  for  me." 

MORAL:  The  Chicken  Ranch  is  always 
in  the  Future  Tense. 

[92] 


The   Willing  Collegian   Who   Was  Hunting 
for  a  Foothold. 

€ 

ONCE  there  was  a  Young  Man  with 
a   College  Education,  an   assortment 
of    Cravats,   and   about   $8   in    Real 
Money   who   was   anxiously   looking   for   his 
Life  Work. 

He  wanted  to  break  into  a  Learned  Pro 
fession  so  that  he  could  wear  his  Good  Clothes 
all  of  the  Time  and  get  the  Coin  without 
working  too  hard  for  it. 

His  Idea  of  a  dignified  Snap  was  to  sit  in 
a  small  Office  about  three  hours  every  Day 
and  have  the  Public  come  in  and  pass  Money 
to  him.  The  Medical  Game  struck  him  as 
being  about  the  softest  Proposition  of  all. 

He  thought  that  all  Doc  had  to  do  was  to 
lead  the  Mark  into  the  Chamber  of  Horrors, 
where  they  have  the  Skulls  and  the  Butcher- 
Knives,  look  him  over,  ask  a  few  Questions, 
tell  him  to  stop  Smoking,  and  then  tap  him 
for  a  V. 

So  the  hopeful  Graduate  went  to  the  old 
Family  Physician  for  a  few  Tips. 
[93] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

The  antique  Medicine-Man  threw  a  Back- 
Twister  when  he  heard  of  the  Boy's  Inten 
tions. 

"  Any  one  who  tackles  the  uEsculapian 
Stunt  is  a  vitrified  Mutt,"  said  his  Whiskers. 
"  If  you  must  earn  your  living,  be  a  Porch- 
Climber  or  a  Short-Change  Man.  We  now 
have  in  this  Country  four  Medical  Degrees 
to  every  case  of  Tonsillitis.  Most  of  us  are 
kept  so  close  to  the  Carpet  that  we  have  to 
buy  last  year's  Magazines  to  put  in  the 
Waiting-Room.  If  a  Patient  dies,  all  of  his 
Friends  say  that  you  helped  to  push  him  off, 
so  they  undermine  your  Practice  and  begin 
to  plug  for  Christian  Science.  If  he  gets 
well,  he  gives  you  the  Laugh,  and  you  have 
to  go  after  him  with  a  Constable.  If  you 
acquire  a  Reputation,  they  work  the  Night- 
Bell  on  you;  and  if  you  arrange  a  Dinner- 
Party,  it's  a  Cinch  that  some  Old  Lady,  three 
miles  away,  will  ring  in  an  Epileptic  Fit  and 
crab  your  whole  Evening.  Nix  the  Materia 
Medical  Turn  bacFljefore  it  is  too  late." 

Thereupon  the  Collegian  bethought  him  of 
[94] 


The  Antique  Medicine-Man 
Explains, 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

the  Law.  So  he  went  to  old  Judge  Caveat 
and  said  he  wanted  to  start  right  in  Read 
ing. 

"  If  you  can  dispense  with  Eating  for  the 
next  15  Years,  come  and  join  our  noble  Pro 
fession,"  said  the  Judge.  "  If  you  have  got 
into  the  Food  Habit,  however,  and  feel  that 
you  may  need  Clothes  now  and  then,  take  my 
Advice  and  duck.  It's  getting  so  that  one 
can't  drop  a  Brick  out  of  a  Window  without 
hitting  at  least  three  Lawyers.  The  only 
ones  who  land  are  those  that  sell  their  Im 
mortal  Souls  to  the  Corporations,  and  they 
get  roasted  so  hard  that  they  can't  be  elect 
ed  anything  except  United  States  Senators. 
The  Legal  Profession  is  a  Lottery  in  which 
there  are  999  Blanks  to  every  Prize,  and  the 
one  who  gets  the  Prize  usually  draws  a  case  of 
Nervous  Dyspepsia  with  it  and  has  to  live 
on  Cereal  Food.  If  you  desire  safe  and 
profitable  Employment,  learn  to  be  a  Bank- 
Robber,  but  don't  join  the  Starvation  Bri 
gade.  The  Professions  are  petering  out. 
We  live  in  a  Commercial  Age.  The  Money- 
[96] 


All  About  the  Grocery  Business. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

Makers  of  to-day  arc  the  Wise  Boys  who 
trade  in  Produce  and  Manufactured  Staples." 

Accordingly  the  Young  Fellow  put  in  an 
Application  with  a  large  Wholesale  Concern. 
The  High  Guy  called  him  in  and  gave  him  a 
Talk. 

"  If  you  are  Strong  and  Willing  we  can 
start  you  at  $3.50  per  Week  juggling 
Boxes,"  said  the  Manager.  "  In  ten  Years 
or  so  you  will  be  moved  up  into  the  book 
keeping  Department,  where  you  can  get  $60 
a  Month  just  like  finding  it.  Before  you  de 
cide  upon  a  Mercantile  Career,  I  may  as  well 
warn  you  that  95  per  cent,  of  those  who  go 
into  Business  eventually  blow  up,  and  the 
other  5  per  cent,  compromise  with  the  Trust 
and  get  what  they  can.  The  inexperienced 
Kid  without  Capital  who  tries  to  get  a 
Hammer-Lock  on  these  air-tight  Combina 
tions  has  about  as  much  chance  as  a  Chicken 
at  a  Camp-Meeting.  If  you  wish  to  sit  on  a 
High  Stool  so  long  that  you  grow  fast  to  it, 
and  then,  at  the  Wind-Up,  get  a  Floral  Pil 
low  from  your  Fellow-Employes,  come  and 
[98] 


HUNTING  FOR  A  FOOTHOLD 

join  our  Happy  Band.  But,  if  you  are 
Foxy,  cut  out  the  Mercantile  Act  and  try 
some  Enterprise  in  which  you  will  have  a 
Show  to  pull  out  something  for  yourself." 

By  this  time  the  Assets  had  shrivelled  to 
about  $2.60,  and  it  was  up  to  the  ambitious 
Stripling  to  get  on  a  Pay-Roil  or  else  begin 
the  systematic  Touch. 

Journalism  looked  very  good  to  him,  be 
cause  it  seemed  to  require  neither  Experience 
nor  Funds,  and  he  could  mould  Public 
Opinion  without  joining  the  Moulders' 
Union.  An  Old-Timer  in  the  Business  steer 
ed  him  away. 

"Don't  start  into  this  Life,"  he  said. 
"  It's  only  a  Tread-mill,  and  after  your  Legs 
give  out  you  are  dropped  down  the  Dark 
Chute.  Besides,  your  Collegiate  Training 
unfits  you  to  help  out  on  the  Comic  Supple 
ment.  Another  thing,  the  longer  you  dally 
with  Journalism  the  less  you  know  about  it. 
The  best  Way  in  which  to  direct  a  News 
paper  is  to  stay  away  from  the  Office  and 
write  Letters  to  the  Editor." 
[99] 


BREAKING  INTO   SOCIETY 

The  poor  Youth  had  just  about  played  his 
whole  String  when  he  happened  to  think  of 
the  Stage.  He  was  a  Good-Looker  and  knew 
how  to  wear  Clothes,  and  had  made  terrific 
Hits  in  Amateur  Productions.  The  hard 
ened  Manager  to  whom  he  sent  his  Card 
handed  him  a  Cake  of  Ice  weighing  300 
Pounds. 

"  The  Trouble  with  you  is  that  you  have 
been  attending  the  University  instead  of 
working  on  a  Spring-Board  so  as  to  do  the 
Double  Flip-Flops,"  said  the  Rag-time  Im 
presario.  "  You  are  next  to  the  Greek  Verb 
all  right,  but  you  are  shy  on  Buck-and-Wing 
Steps,  and  I  can't  see  that  you  have  a  Chance 
in  a  Million.  I  suppose  you  have  studied 
Shakespeare.  If  so,  you  may  possibly  hook 
up  with  a  fly-by-night  Organization.  The 
Legitimate  Drama  is  now  being  played  at 
the  Whistling-Posts  and  Water-Tanks,  but 
not  in  the  great  Thought-Centres.  If  your 
Voice  had  been  cultivated  in  Europe,  I  think 
I  could  fix  it  for  you  to  carry  a  Spear,  but 
as  you  have  not  sufficient  Talent  to  get  you 
[100] 


The  Old  Broker's  Final  Word. 


ct<*BllMAfi3&&'.lNTO   SOCIETY 

into  the  Chorus,  I  suggest  that  you  go  down 
and  play  the  Stock  Market." 

Here  was  an  Inspiration.  He  would  go 
and  find  Employment  in  a  Broker's  Office  and 
study  the  Quotations  and  gradually  pike  into 
the  World  of  Speculation.  He  sought  out  a 
pious  old  Gambler  who  had  made  a  Ton  of 
Money  by  never  doing  what  he  let  on  he  was 
going  to  do. 

The  veteran  Financier  would  not  be  a 
Party  to  the  ruination  of  any  Good  Young 
Man.  "  Keep  away  from  the  Market,"  he 
said.  "  All  those  who  play  the  Ticker  get  the 
Solar-Plexus  Punch  sooner  or  later.  This 
Speculation  is  very  demoralizing.  It  has  de 
moralized  every  one  except  me.  I  always 
warn  Young  Men  to  buy  nothing  on  Mar 
gins.  Buy  it  outright.  You  can  do  this 
easily  after  you've  earned  the  first  Million 
or  two  as  a  Stenographer." 

"  There  doesn't  seem  to  be  any  safe  Open 
ing  for  an  eager  Soul  with  a  University 
Training,"  said  the  Graduate. 

"  I  might  give  you  a  Hunch  on  the  Q.  T.," 
[102] 


HUNTING  FOR  A  FOOTHOLD 

said  the  Old  Gentleman.  "  Those  who  are 
very  Bright  often  marry  into  the  families  of 
the  vulgar  Rich,  thus  acquiring  the  Means  to 
go  Abroad  and  study  Art  and,  at  the  same 
time,  throw  the  Hooks  into  their  Native 
Land." 

"  I'll  tackle  Matrimony,"  said  the  Col 
legian.  "  That  appears  to  be  the  only  Field 
that  is  not  overcrowded." 

MORAL :  Every  Man  knocks  his  own  Line 
of  Work  and  sticks  to  it  like  Glue. 


[103] 


The  Town  Lover;  or,  How  the  Lady-Killer 
Blew  Up  in  the  Stretch. 

« 

THERE  once  lived  at  a  prominent 
Railway  Junction  a  local  Swell 
known  as  Wilbur.  He  was  what 
one  might  call  a  Half -Portion.  That  is,  he 
was  a  little  shy  on  Weight,  but  what  he  lack 
ed  in  Avoirdupois  he  made  up  in  Nerve.  He 
was  a  Fresh  Gazabe  who  could  get  away 
with  anything.  For  instance,  he  could  sit  in  a 
Lady's  Lap  for  an  Hour  at  a  Time  without 
starting  any  Scandal,  and  yet  if  a  full-grown 
Man  tried  to  hold  this  same  Lady's  Hand  for 
a  couple  of  Minutes,  just  to  be  sociable,  she 
would  tell  around  that  she  had  been  insulted. 

In  speaking  of  Wilbur  the  Girls  usually 
said  that  he  was  Cute,  or  else  just  too  Cunning 
for  any  use.  The  Men  said  various  Things 
about  him,  but  what  they  said  does  not  come 
under  the  head  of  Sunday  Reading.  " 

Every  Debutante  wanted  to  wear  him  on 
her  Chatelaine,  but  most  of  the  Men  were 
plotting  to  drop  a  little  Prussic  Acid  into  his 
Ice-Cream  Soda. 

[104] 


No  Scandal. 


BREAKING   INTO    SOCIETY 

For  sonic  Reason  or  other  the  gabby 
young  Squab  who  is  a  Ten-Strike  with  the 
Dolly  Grays  never  stands  very  Ace  with  the 
Poker-Players. 

When  a  man  has  put  some  blonde  Esme- 
ralda  up  on  a  Pedestal  a  mile  high  and  is 
silently  waiting  for  the  Day  when  he  will 
know  her  well  enough  to  carelessly  throw 
one  Arm  over  the  back  of  the  Chair,  it  makes 
him  Hop-Eyed  to  see  some  90-pound  Rabbit 
with  an  immortal  Rind  chase  up  to  the  God 
dess  and  give  her  the  kitchy-kitchy  Business 
under  the  Chin  and  call  her  "  Babe." 

The  Pocket-edition  Society  Boy  can  take 
Liberties  that  would  cause  the  Six-Footer  to 
be  murdered  and  thrown  into  the  River. 

Wilbur  was  the  busiest  little  Insect  that 
ever  buzzed,  and  his  Work  had  a  Mahogany 
Finish.  He  could  put  in  an  Afternoon  with 
five  or  six  boulevard  Netties  and  make  every 
one  of  them  think  that  she  was  the  High 
Card.  He  ordered  his  Photographs  by  the 
Hundred,  and  he  had  collected  enough  Locks 
of  Hair  to  stuff  a  Mattress. 
[106] 


Wilbur's  Mail 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

His  Den  was  richly  decorated  with  Tro 
phies  of  the  Chase,  and  the  Postman  became 
lop-sided  from  delivering  his  Mail. 

There  is  such  a  Thing  as  being  too  Popu 
lar,  and  that  was  what  ailed  Wilbur.  He 
was  being  passed  around  all  the  while  and 
never  had  time  to  devote  himself  to  any  par 
ticular  Queen,  and,  besides,  he  didn't  meet 
very  many  that  were  Particular.  He  flut 
tered  from  Flower  to  Flower,  and  he  did  not 
have  the  Heart  to  tie  up  with  any  one  of  the 
Bunch  and  make  her  his  Steady,  because  he 
knew  that  the  others  would  pine  away  or  else 
renounce  the  World  and  enter  a  Convent. 

One  Reason  why  Wilbur  had  such  a  strong 
Pull  with  the  Buds  was  that  he  never  per 
mitted  his  Work  to  interfere  with  his  Social 
Duties.  They  could  get  him  on  the  Phone 
at  any  time  and  book  him  for  any  kind  of  a 
Stunt  from  a  Luncheon  to  a  Golf  Tourney. 
He  kept  his  Evening  Clothes  at  the  Office, 
and  he  could  respond  to  a  Dinner  Invitation 
like  a  Fireman  going  to  a  Fire.  He  never 
side-stepped  a  chance  to  eat. 
[108] 


Evening  Clothes  Always  Ready. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

One  of  his  prize  Specialties  was  to  play 
sympathetic  Companion  to  the  Woman  whose 
Husband  belongs  to  a  Club.  He  cultivated 
the  antique  Hens  who  make  out  the  Invita 
tion  Lists,  and  that  is  why  Wilbur  usually 
led  the  German  and  distributed  the  Favors 
when  the  Smart  Set  pulled  off  a  Cotillon. 

Although  he  was  on  Salary,  he  someho\> 
contrived  to  hold  up  his  End.  Fortunately, 
his  Board  did  not  cost  him  anything,  and  he 
squared  all  of  his  Society  Obligations  by 
making  Party  Calls  instead  of  sending 
American  Beauties. 

Inasmuch  as  all  of  the  real  Tessies  were 
more  or  less  crazy  about  Wilbur,  it  seemed 
a  lead-pipe  Certainty  that  he  would  land  an 
Heiress  who  would  take  him  to  Palm  Beach 
on  a  Wedding  Tour  and  then  pay  his  Tailor 
Bills  for  all  time.  However,  so  many  were 
on  his  Trail  that  not  one  of  them  had  a  chance 
to  monopolize  him.  Just  when  Hortense 
would  get  him  off  into  a  Corner  to  tell  him 
that  she  loved  Blue  Eyes,  Beryl  would  come 
along  and  begin  to  stroke  his  Hair,  and  then 


THE   TOWN   LOVEll 

Clarice  would-  conic  up  and  pin  Violets  on 
him. 

A  Selling-Plater  can  keep  after  one  Girl 
and  finally  hound  her  into  making  a  Promise, 
but  the  Honey  Boy  has  to  play  a  Circuit  all 
the  Time.  Wilbur  usually  had  about  47 
Names  in  his  Date-Book. 

He  never  ran  short,  because  when  the  June 
Brides  dropped  out,  a  new  Crop,  fresh  from 
the  Boarding-Schools,  came  in  to  fill  the 
Vacancies. 

Year  after  Year  the  Ladies'  Idol  con 
tinued  his  heart-breaking  Career,  not  be 
cause  he  wished  to  be  Cruel,  but  because  he 
couldn't  help  being  so  all-fired  Entrancing. 

There  never  was  a  time  when  he  could 
have  put  a  Tag  on  any  Dulcinea  without 
putting  a  Blight  on  the  entire  Female  Com 
munity  ;  so  he  waited. 

In  fact,  he  overdid  the  Waiting  Act. 

About  the  time  that  he  outgrew  his  Hair 
and  began  to  look  a  little  puffy  around  the 
Eyes,  the  Lumty-Tum  Elite  caught  the  Ath 
letic  Fever.  The  Real  Boy  in  Sussiety  was 

" 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

the  husky  Fellow  who  had  played  on  a  Col 
lege  Eleven  and  who  owned  a  String  of  Polo 
Ponies. 

Little  Wilbur,  the  has-been  Midge,  found 
that  he  could  drift  into  a  Drawing-Room 
without  causing  the  faintest  Ripple. 

Now  that  he  was  becoming  Bald  and 
Shelf -Worn,  no  one  cared  to  use  him  as  a 
Pet. 

He  was  lucky  if  he  got  a  few  kind  Words 
from  some  elderly  Patroness.  As  for  the 
Girls  who  owned  a  Mijlion  Dollars  apiece, 
they  couldn't  see  him  with  a  Spy-Glass. 

They  would  permit  him  to  go  out  and 
call  the  Carriage,  but  that  was  about  as  far 
as  he  could  go. 

So  he  became  that  pathetic  Figure,  the 
played-out  Beau — the  extinct  Volcano  in  the 
Landscape  of  Gayety.  He  tried  to  butt  in, 
from  Force  of  Habit,  but  he  had  the  Ice- 
Pitcher  handed  to  him  so  often  that  at  last 
he  got  wise  to  himself  and  realized  that  he 
belonged  on  the  Top  Shelf. 

He  did  what  every  Man  does — viz.,  the  best 


THE   TOWN    LOVER 

he  can.  He  hooked  up  with  a  Maiden  Lady 
who  looked  all  right  in  the  Dark,  and  al 
though  a  Bundle  of  Money  came  with  her, 
he  earned  all  that  he  got. 

MORAL:     He    who    nails    the   First    One 
seldom  makes  a  Mistake. 


[113] 


The  Attempt  to  Spruce  Up  the  Family  and 
Give  It  a  Standing. 

£ 

ONCE  there  was  a  Happy  Family 
that  began  to  get  a  few  hard 
Bumps  when  Ma  bought  a  Work  on 
Etiquette.  Up  to  that  time  the  Outfit  had 
not  tried  to  throw  on  any  Lugs. 

The  Male  Contingent  slouched  around  the 
House  in  their  Shirt-Sleeves,  while  the  Girls 
often  came  to  Breakfast  in  their  Balloon- 
Wrappers,  and  never  thought  of  primping 
until  about  3  P.M.  Father  had  an  assortment 
of  Rube  Table  Manners  left  over  from  his 
early  Experience  on  the  Farm. 

He  never  saw  the  sense  of  changing 
Knives  when  he  hacked  into  the  Butter,  and 
as  for  using  the  side  of  the  Spoon,  he  never 
could  get  the  Hang  of  it. 

Up  to  the  Time  that  he  married  and  be 
came  House-broke  he  had  been  a  Sword- 
Swallower  in  a  $4  Beancry.  For  years  he 
up-ended  his  Soup-Platc,  so  as  to  get  all  that 
was  coming  to  him,  and  cooled  his  Coffee  in 
the  Saucer,  and  concluded  his  Exhibition  of 
[114] 


ATTEMPT   TO   SPRUCE   UP 

Barbaric    Sports    by    using    a    large,    limber 
piece  of  Bread  as  a  Mop. 

His  Wife  worked  on  him  for  twenty  years, 
and  finally  had  him  so  civilized  that  he  no 
longer  tucked  the  Napkin  inside  of  his  Col 
lar,  although  he  still  put  both  Elbows  on  the 
Table  and  groaned  a  little  just  before  tack 
ling  the  Pie. 

Ma  belonged  to  several  Clubs  and  began  to 
meet  the  Lady  Managers  of  Society.  It  was 
her  Ambition  to  lift  her  own  Family  out  of 
the  Skate  Division  and  get  the  whole  Bunch 
into  the  local  400.  That  is  why  she  bought 
the  Volume  containing  this  year's  League 
Rules  for  cutting  into  High  Life. 

She  wanted  the  Boys  to  forget  their  corn- 
fed  Origin  and  do  the  Reginald  Act  and 
learn  how  to  act  in  the  Presence  of  Ladies. 
They  were  mostly  Hands  and  Feet,  and  had 
no  Ambition  in  Life  except  to  play  Baseball, 
but  still  she  went  to  work  on  them  hopefully, 
knowing  that  our  most  Exclusive  Circles  arc 
more  or  less  clogged  up  with  Counterfeits 
whom  Nature  intended  for  the  Hay-Fields. 
[115] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

The  Girls  were  a  Sad  Lot  when  Ma  lined 
them  up  and  decided  to  transform  them  into 
Drawing-Room  Queens.  They  were  Gum- 
Chewers  of  the  most  abandoned  Type,  and 
what  they  did  to  the  English  Language  it 
would  be  a  shame  to  tell.  Each  of  them  was 
more  or  less  stuck  on  some  chinless  Percy  who 
wore  his  Watch-Chain  high  up  and  rubbed 
himself  with  Eau  dc  Cologne.  They  had 
read  Popular  Novels  until  they  were  a  trifle 
Moony.  Their  conception  of  Romance  was 
to  eat  Pickles  and  write  Notes  on  Blue  Paper. 

Ma's  Purpose  in  studying  the  Book  of 
Etiquette  was  to  remove  the  Kinks  from  this 
array  of  Raw  Material. 

She  wanted  each  of  the  Boys  to  be  a 
Chesterfield,  while  the  Girls  were  expected  to 
brace  up  and  follow  in  the  footsteps  of  Mrs. 
Sherwood. 

As  Director  of  the  Training-School  she 
had  to  call  them  down  about  1000  times  per 
Day.  When  she  had  Company  the  Boys  al 
ways  forgot  to  arise  when  a  Lady  entered  the 
Room.  When  Dinner  was  announced  they 
[116] 


Not  Wholly  Civilized. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

were  always  first  at  the  Table.  Instead  of 
conversing  with  the  Persons  seated  next  to 
them,  they  humped  over  and  got  busy  with 
the  Vittles. 

As  for  the  Girls,  they  usually  flocked  in 
a  Corner  and  had  a  Whispering-Bee.  At 
the  Table  they  would  get  an  Attack  of  the 
Giggles,  without  letting  any  one  else  in  on 
the  Good  Thing,  thus  making  it  very  enjoy 
able  for  the  Guests. 

To  cap  the  Climax,  the  Male  Parent 
wrould  usually  try  to  lift  the  Gloom  by 
springing  some  ancient  Wheeze  outlawed  by 
Haverly's  Minstrels  as  far  back  as  1880. 

Ma  had  a  proud  Chance  to  win  a  Social 
Standing  so  long  as  she  was  handicapped  by 
that  Band  of  Yokels.  Just  w7hen  she  would 
be  talking  Art  with  a  Massachusetts  Accent, 
one  of  the  Boys  would  break  in  with  a  De 
mand  for  a  Second  Helping  of  Cauliflower. 
Or  else  the  Prize  Blacksmith,  in  a  wrell-mean- 
ing  effort  to  be  Hospitable,  would  urge  the 
Lady  Opposite  to  pitch  in  and  Eat  some 
more. 

[118] 


Her  Training-School. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

After  Dinner  it  often  happened  that  Ma 
would  tout  the  Accomplishments  of  the 
Young  Ladies.  Accordingly,  they  would  be 
urged  to  Play  Something,  at  which  they 
would  hang  back  and  snicker  and  do  a  Sis 
Hopkins  Specialty. 

While  they  were  Killing  Time,  Father 
would  usually  fall  asleep  with  his  Mouth  open, 
or  else  one  of  the  Boys  would  upset  something 
in  trying  to  do  a  Sneak  from  the  Room. 

As  soon  as  the  last  unhappy  Guest  had 
escaped  into  the  Night  there  would  be  a 
large-sized  Roast  waiting  for  the  whole 
Tribe.  Ma  would  sit  up  until  1  o'clock  re 
minding  them  of  all  the  Horrible  Breaks  they 
had  made.  She  said  that  sitting  around  in 
the  Kitchen  cracking  Hickory  -  Nuts  was 
about  their  Size  when  it  came  to  playing  the 
Society  Game.  She  allowed  that  they  would 
be  more  at  Home  if  they  moved  out  to  some 
Ranch  and  associated  with  the  Live-Stock. 
When  Ma  got  riled  she  forgot  her  Culture- 
Club  training  and  handed  out  a  very  Ta 
basco  Line  of  Conversation. 
[120] 


ATTEMPT   TO   SPRUCE   UP 

She  said  she  was  good  and  tired  of  trying 
to  make  Ladies  and  Gentlemen  out  of  a 
Flock  of  Yaps  who  took  after  their  Fa 
ther. 

At  this  she  would  get  a  Rise  out  of  Father. 
He  said  he  didn't  propose  to  strain  himself 
being  Polite  to  a  lot  of  Four-Flushes  who 
owed  him  Money.  That  was  the  Trouble 
with  Father.  He  was  President  of  the  Com 
pany,  and  seemed  to  think  that  his  Official 
Position  gave  him  a  Right  to  break  Crackers 
into  his  Soup.  He  refused  to  wear  a  White 
Tie  with  his  Evening  Clothes  just  because 
some  cheap  Department  Manager  had  set 
the  Style. 

As  for  the  Offspring,  they  were  too  mullet- 
headed  to  get  wise  to  Ma's  magnificent  Sys 
tem  of  doing  the  Heavy.  When  it  came  to 
a  toss-up  between  a  Pink  Tea  and  a  Variety 
Show,  they  put  their  Spending  Money  on 
the  Coon  Song.  Any  time  that  Ma  dressed 
them  up  and  took  them  out  to  meet  the  Elite 
they  hung  back. 

At  last  Ma  saw  that  the  only  Hope  lay  in 
[121] 


BREAKING   INTO    SOCIETY 

shipping  the  whole  Pack  away  to  high-toned 
Schools  in  the  East. 

For  several  Years  the  Rising  Generation 
put  a  Terrific  Crimp  in  Father's  Income,  but 
at  last  they  came  home  all  speeded  up,  and 
then  they  were  so  Fly  that  Father  could  not 
travel  in  the  same  Class  and  even  Ma  could 
get  a  few  Pointers  from  them. 

At  present  they  are  tearing  up  the 
Scenery  in  their  Touring-Cars,  and  they 
have  the  Nerve  to  tackle  any  kind  of  Society. 

MORAL :  A  patient  Woman  can  Educate 
any  one  except  her  own  Husband. 


The    Unhappy    Financier    and    the    Discon-i 
tented  Rube. 


ONCE  there  was  a  Stock  -  Exchange 
Midas  who  had  great  gobs  of  the 
Wherewith. 

Day  and  Night  he  was  hounded  by  those 
who  were  looking  for  Hot  Tips,  or  who 
wanted  to  touch  him  up  for  Denomina 
tional  Colleges,  or  who  had  Good  Things 
which  they  wished  him  to  back  with  much 
Coin. 

At  last,  in  order  to  escape  the  wearing 
sound  of  the  Ticker  and  get  the  Hard  Knots 
out  of  his  Nervous  System,  he  ducked  away 
to  the  Country  and  left  word  behind  that  he 
had  gone  to  Europe. 

He  struck  a  Rest  Cure,  where  every  one 
dressed  for  Dinner  and  a  full  Orchestra  tore 
off  Popular  Music.  He  saw  the  same  Mourn 
ful  Faces  of  the  male  and  female  Plutocrats 
who  were  trying  to  purchase  Enjoyment  at 
so  much  per  Day,  and  they  did  not  seem  to 
have  a  tranquillizing  Effect  on  him.  So  he 
wandered  away  from  the  Hotel  and  took  to 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

a  quiet  Country  Lane,  and  soon  he  was  in  the 
Deep  Woods. 

The  Silence  was  broken  only  by  the  Rustle 
of  Leaves,  the  tapping  of  the  Woodpeckers, 
and  the  occasional  Stunt  of  some  Feathered 
Warbler. 

"  This  is  where  Man  really  belongs," 
sighed  the  track-sore  Financier.  "  What  an 
artificial  and  profitless  Life  we  lead  there 
among  the  Sky-Scrapers.  Our  Little  Exist 
ence  is  rounded  off  with  a  French  Menu  and 
a  few  lines  of  Bromo-Seltzer  in  the  Morning. 
We  toil  for  years  trying  to  get  the  Hammer- 
Lock  on  Fame,  and  when  it  comes  to  a  Cash- 
In  nobody  knows  whose  Funeral  it  is,  and 
the  Trolley-Cars  refuse  to  get  out  of  the 
Way." 

While  he  was  thus  Meditating  he  came  to 
a  Clearing  in  which  there  was  a  humble 
Shack  with  a  dinky  Little  Garden  behind  it. 
In  the  Doorway  of  the  Modest  Cot  sat  a 
Rube  who  wore  a  heavy  Fringe  on  the  Sub- 
Maxillary.  Above  his  Head  bloomed  the 
symmetrical  Morning-Glory,  and  the  fresh 


In  the  Deep  Woods. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

smell  of  the  Greenwood  was  mingled  with  the 
pleasing  Odor  of  the  Store  Tobacco  he  was 
smoking,  the  while  he  spelled  out  the  Long 
Words  in  a  Newspaper. 

"There's  a  Three-Sheet  of  Contentment 
for  you,"  said  the  weary  Millionaire.  "  I 
wish  I  had  his  Snap.  Nothing  to  do  ex 
cept  read  about  Crime  and  watch  the  Squir 
rels.  No  one  to  call  him  up  on  the  Phone. 
No  lying  awake  at  Nights  wondering  what 
Attorney  -  General  Knox  is  going  to  do. 
When  he's  hungry  all  he  has  to  do  is  put 
on  the  Griddle,  pull  a  few  Radishes,  and 
milk  the  Cow.  No  getting  roped  in  at  An 
nual  Dinners.  No  struggle  to  butt  into  the 
Headquarters  of  the  Elite.  How  I  envy 
him !" 

So  he  approached  the  Man  behind  the 
Whiskers  and  greeted  him  cheerfully,  for  he 
felt  that  he  would  fain  know  the  Secret  of 
True  Happiness. 

"  You  have  a  charming  Joint  here,"  said 
the  Financier.     "  You  seem  to  be  quite  away 
from  the  hurry  and  turmoil  of  the  World." 
[126] 


THE    UNHAPPY    FINANCIER 

"  Yes,  it  is  very  Lonesome,"  was  the  melan 
choly  Reply.  "  I  should  like  to  live  on  the 
Main  Pike,  but  Land  is  too  high.  As  soon  as 
I  sell  my  Hogs  I  hope  to  have  a  Telephone 
installed.  Sometimes  three  or  four  Days  will 
elapse  after  an  important  Prize-Fight  ere  I 
learn  the  Result.  This  failure  to  keep  in 
Touch  with  Events  is  very  trying  to  one  who 
would  be  abreast  of  the  Times." 

"  Why  should  the  Outside  World  cut  any 
Ice  with  you?"  demanded  the  Millionaire. 
"  Here  you  have  a  beautiful  Sylvan  Retreat. 
The  Birds  carol  in  the  Trees.  Nature  is  ever 
smiling.  You  are  far  removed  from  the 
carking  Cares,  the  hard  Throw-downs,  and 
the  Bunko  Manipulations  of  the  Commercial 
World.  Are  you  not  satisfied?" 

"  How  can  I  be  when  I  read  here  in  the 
Weekly  about  a  Newport  Shindig  where  they 
have  $800  worth  of  Ice -Cream?  Why 
should  I  ride  Horseback  when  you  Folks  have 
Autos  costing  $7000?  I  never  get  to  sec  a 
good  Show,  and  I  haven't  had  my  Picture 
taken  for  6  Years,  and  sometimes  I  don't 
[127] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

have  anybody  come  in  to  see  me  for  Weeks  at 
a  Time." 

"  Why,  you  concatenated  Chump,  you 
have  a  two-acre  Paradise  here  and  you  don't 
know  it,"  said  the  City  Man.  "  I'd  like  to 
trade  Places  with  you." 

"  I'll  trade  with  anybody,"  said  the  Rube. 
"  I'm  tired  of  this  Dog's  Life." 

"  You're  on !"  exclaimed  the  Financier. 
"  This  is  what  I'll  stake  you  to.  You'll  have 
a  Spring-Bed  with  4  Mattresses  and  a 
Canopy.  You  can  lie  there  on  the  Husks  and 
look  at  $40,000  worth  of  Paintings  by  the 
Old  Masters.  In  the  Morning  a  British 
Gentleman  of  Aristocratic  Appearance  will 
come  and  lead  you  to  the  Royal  Porcelain, 
after  which  he  will  dress  you,  without  your 
lifting  a  Finger.  You  shall  have  Silk  Under 
wear  and  a  Monogram  worked  on  each  Sock. 
At  Breakfast  you  shall  have  Hot  -  House 
Grapes  and  everything  else  out  of  Season, 
and  Flowers  on  the  Table.  After  Breakfast 
you  may  step  into  a  Carriage  with  Gold 
Trimmings,  drawn  by  two  Prize  Bays,  and 
[128] 


Yes,  it  is  Very  Lonesome." 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

ride  to  an  Office  where  the  Chairs  are  padded 
eight  inches  deep  and  all  the  Hirelings  jump 
at  your  slightest  Command.  For  Luncheon 
you  shall  go  to  a  Club  where  you  may  meet 
those  who  have  Money  to  burn ;  and  if  your 
Check  is  under  $11,  it  shows  that  you  are  a 
Piker.  You  can  stop  Work  at  3  P.M.  and  go 
for  a  Spin  in  your  French  Touring-Car,  writh 
a  Chaff eur  to  work  the  Wheel.  In  the  Even 
ing  you  can  put  on  your  Glads  and  drink 
$47  worth  of  Vintage  Wines  and  take  in  two 
or  three  Theatres,  and  after  that  start  in 
again  and  have  something  to  Eat." 

"  You  are  stringing  me,"  said  the  Rube. 
"  Such  Heavenly  Joys  as  these  never  come 
to-  the  poor  Yap." 

"  I  will  let  you  use  my  Bank  Account,  and 
then  you  won't  be  a  Yap,"  explained  the 
Millionaire.  "  Go  and  revel  in  the  Life  that 
you  read  about  in  the  Weekly  Papers.  All 
that  I  ask  in  return  is  the  Use  for  one  bliss 
ful  Month  of  this  sequestered  Snuggery, 
here  among  the  Morning-Glories  and  the 
blithesome  Chickadees." 

[130] 


THE    UNHAPPY    FINANCIER 

The  Financier  gave  the  Rube  all  the  Cre 
dentials  needed  and  shipped  him  to  the  roar 
ing  Metropolis.  Then  he  sat  down  under 
the  whispering  Trees  with  nothing  to  super 
intend  except  the  rising  and  setting  of  the 
Sun. 

Two  weeks  later,  as  the  Financier  was 
emerging  from  the  Deep  Woods  he  met  the 
Rube  coming  in  with  a  Pullman-Car  Towel 
around  his  Head. 

"What,  so  soon?"  asked  the  City  Man. 
"  I've  been  against  it  for  25  Years.  Why 
should  you  pass  it  up  after  two  brief  Weeks  ?" 

"  For  the  first  three  or  four  Days  it  was 
Great  Stuff,"  responded  the  Sufferer.  "  Then 
I  began  to  tumble  to  the  Fact  that  the  Shows 
were  all  about  the  Same  and  that  a  $7  Lunch 
was  a  Delusion  unless  I  had  an  Appetite. 
The  Automobile  was  a  Hit  until  some  of  the 
New  Machines  began  to  pass  me,  and  then  I 
lost  Interest.  As  soon  as  it  was  noised 
around  that  I  had  Stuff,  I  became  a  Mark 
for  every  known  Con  Game,  so  I  tightened 
up  and  refused  to  see  Visitors,  and  every  one 
[  181  ] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

said  I  was  a  Snob,  and  the  only  Friends  I 
had  were  the  Waiters  I  tipped.  So  far  as  I 
can  discover,  the  Bust-Head  resulting  from 
the  Bubbles  that  cost  $6  per  Quart  is  the 
same  old  Feeling  that  we  used  to. get  out  of 
Apple-Jack.  In  short,  I  begin  to  see  that 
the  Rich  can  afford  all  the  Luxuries,  but  the 
Minute  they  begin  to  dip  into  them,  the 
Trouble  begins.  I  think  I'm  due  for  about 
one  week  of  Absolute  Calm.  But  what  are 
you  doing  on  your  way  to  the  Station?" 

"  Say,  I  don't  like  to  roast  your  Estab 
lishment,  but  you  have  got  the  bummest  lot 
of  Birds  I  ever  listened  to,"  said  the  Finan 
cier.  "  Their  Repertory  is  too  limited.  And 
that  Cow  has  a  Manner  that  is  soothing  for 
a  Day  or  two  and  then  begins  to  suggest  an 
irritating  lack  of  Versatility,  as  it  were.  I 
discovered,  also,  a  certain  Monotony  in  the 
Antics  of  the  Squirrels.  As  for  the  Weekly, 
I  have  read  it  all  through  four  times,  includ 
ing  the  Sarsaparilla  Ads,  and  along  towards 
the  last  the  only  thing  that  interested  me 
was  the  Time-Table.  I  needed  a  good  Rest, 
[132] 


Comparing  Notes. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

and  I've  had  enough  to  last  me  fully  3  years. 
When  I  strike  that  Club  to-night,  I'll  simply 
sign  my  Name  to  the  Card  and  have  them 
bring  in  the  whole  Works  from  Caviar  to 
Cafe  Noir." 

"  I'm  afraid  there  isn't  any  such  Institu 
tion  as  a  Paradise  on  Earth,"  remarked  the 
Rube. 

"  Oh,  yes,  there  is,"  said  the  Millionaire, 
"  but  we  never  find  it  twice  in  the  same  Spot." 

MORAL :  A  Complete  Change  will  always 
do  one  Good  and  sometimes  do  him  to  a 
Finish. 


[13*] 


The  Thoughtful  Wife   Who  Tried  to  Give 
Henry  a  Restful  Vacation. 

a 

ONCE  there  was  a  great  big  Burly 
who  had  a  Wife  about  the  size  of  a 
Grasshopper.  Usually  she  wore  a 
gray  Tailor-Made  that  looked  as  if  it  would 
have  to  be  let  out  if  she  gained  another 
pound. 

Any  one,  to  look  at  Jessaline,  would  have 
said  that  she  was  rather  frail  and  Weakly, 
while  the  he-end  of  the  Sketch  looked  husky 
enough  to  pull  a  Dray.  It  often  happens 
that  the  heavy-draught  Bachelor  picks  out  a 
Midge  and  makes  love  to  her,  and  she  is  so 
scared  at  the  size  of  him  that  she  hasn't  got 
the  Nerve  to  throw  him  down. 

At  any  rate,  the  cute  and  dainty  little 
Jessaline,  with  a  Waist  Measurement  of  11 
inches,  was  all  hooked  up  with  the  human 
Mastodon  who  went  by  the  name  of  Henry 
and  looked  the  Part. 

Now  it  happened  that  Hen  and  Jess  lived 
in  a  nice  little  Town  where  there  were  a  great 
many  lovely  Old  Families  and  a  great  deal  of 


BREAKING  INTO   SOCIETY 

Wealth,  but  it  was  pervaded  at  all  Hours  by 
a  Cemetery  Calm.  The  Social  Gayeties  of 
the  Place  revolved  slowly  around  a  Mission 
ary  Society.  Any  one  desiring  to  mix  a 
Cocktail  had  to  pull  down  all  the  Blinds  and 
disconnect  the  Telephone,  and  also  it  was 
advisable  to  wear  Masks  at  a  Poker  Party. 

Jessaline  would  often  become  restless  and 
champ  at  the  Bit.  She  had  attended  a  Select 
School  for  Girls,  at  which  she  had  learned 
how  to  turn  Handsprings  and  do  other 
Parlor  Didoes.  No  wonder  that  she  hated  to 
play  Dominoes  all  Evening  and  then  turn 
out  the  Lights  at  9.30  P.M.,  which,  in  Keen 
Society,  is  the  mere  Edge  of  the  Night. 

Now  it  chanced  that  Jessaline  had  a  Chum. 
They  had  eaten  Olives  out  of  the  same  Bottle 
while  attending  the  Select  School  for  Girls. 
Chum  had  gone  against  the  Matrimonial 
Game,  the  same  as  Jessaline,  only,  instead  of 
landing  in  Sleepy  Hollow,  she  was  up  in  the 
City,  taking  in  the  Big  Show. 

She  wrote  to  Jessaline,  urging  her  to  come 
up  and  put  in  a  busy  Week.     After  working 
[136] 


Hated  to  Play  Dominoes. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

on  the  Handwriting  for  several  Days,  Jessa- 
line  succeeded  in  reading  the  whole  Letter, 
and  she  began  to  tease  Henry  to  knock  off 
for  a  Week  and  take  her  up  to  the  hoop-la 
Metropolis  and  let  her  burn  a  few  Holes  in 
the  Track.  She  told  Henry  that  he  had  been 
sticking  to  his  Desk  too  closely  and  that  he 
needed  a  good  Rest. 

Large  Bodies  move  slowly,  and  several 
Days  elapsed  before  Henry  came  to  her  Way 
of  Thinking,  although  it  was  a  Pipe  from 
the  beginning  that  she  would  bring  him 
around. 

Jessaline  got  busy  and  put  six  Women 
to  work  building  a  new  Evening  Gown  for 
her.  It  was  a  Pale-Blue  Cerise,  with  Batten- 
berg  Insertion,  yoked  with  Mayonnaise  and 
Valenciennes,  the  Flounces  being  gathered  in 
with  Passementerie  and  the  Bodice  hand- 
painted.  When  Henry  got  a  Flash  at  the 
Bill  he  allowed  that,  instead  of  taking  a  Va 
cation,  it  would  be  better  for  him  to  stay  at 
Home  and  work  about  twice  as  hard.  But 
winsome  Wifey  had  everything  packed,  so 
[138] 


THE   THOUGHTFUL   WIFE 

she  took  him  in  Tow  and  they  hoarded  the 
Flyer. 

"Ain't  this  Grand?"  asked  Jessaline,  as 
they  sat  in  the  palatial  Parlor-Car  and  watch 
ed  the  Scenery  spin  by.  "  We  have  a  whole 
Week  in  which  to  rest  up  and  nobody  to  keep 
Tab  on  what  we  do  and  then  report  us  to  the 
Methodist  Minister.  I'm  sure  that  you  will 
like  Clara.  She  is  a  Holy  Terror.  She. was 
engaged  nineteen  times  before  she  finally 
hooked  up,  and  since  she  got  Married  People 
come  for  miles  to  get  her  to  act  as  Chape 
ron." 

"  What  is  the  Programme  ?"  asked  Henry, 
who  was  a  mite  Leery. 

"  There'll  be  something  doing  every  Min 
ute,  all  right,  all  right,"  said  the  Child-Wife. 
"  Ask  no  Questions,  but  follow  little  Bright 
Eyes.  I  haven't  had  a  touch  of  Real  Life 
since  I  crawled  down  the  Lightning-Rod  at 
the  Select  School  for  Girls." 

At  that  time  Henry  did  not  realize  that  a 
bright  young  Thing  with  a  Boarding-School 
Education  can  give  the  stalwart  Business 
[139] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

Man  any  kind  of  a  Handicap  and  then  leave 
him  somewhere  back  of  the  Flag. 

Clara  met  them  at  the  Train  with  a  Buzz- 
Wagon.  She  had  framed  up  a  List  of  En 
gagements  that  made  the  Roosevelt  Itinerary 
look  like  Open  Time.  Clara  had  arranged  to 
give  them  a  little  of  Everything  except 
Sleep.  Jessaline  was  tickled  nearly  to  Death. 
She  was  waltzing  all  over  the  Track,  waiting 
for  the  word  "  Go !" 

The  Getaway  was  a  Dinner  of  17  Courses, 
at  which  Jessaline  tackled  everything  with 
out  losing  any  part  of  the  Conversation. 
After  that  they  went  to  the  Opera,  which 
was  a  little  too  high  for  Henry,  but  Jessa 
line  threw  a  Conniption  Fit  every  time  Si- 
gnor  Dagolini  climbed  up  and  hit  a  Top  Note. 
They  went  back  to  the  Apartment  and  ate 
Stuff  out  of  a  Chafing-Dish  until  3  A.M. 
When  they  turned  in,  Henry  was  on  the  point 
of  Passing  Away,  but  Jessaline  was  just  be 
ginning  to  warm  up  and  be  kittenish. 

"  We  shall  have  Oodles  of  Fun  to-mor 
row,"  she  said.  "  First  we  have  a  Breakfast 
[140] 


"Ain't  this  Grand?" 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

at  the  French  Restaurant,  then  a  swell  Lunch 
eon  at  the  Club,  then  a  Musicale,  then  a 
Dinner  at  the  biggest  Hotel  on  Earth,  and 
then  a  Show,  and  then  we  are  all  going  out 
Slumming." 

"  I  drop  out,"  said  Henry.  "  One  day  has 
put  me  to  the  Bad." 

"  Don't  be  a  Quitter,"  said  Jessaline. 
"  Stick  to  me  and  I'll  give  you  the  Time  of 
your  Life." 

Next  Day  she  took  him  over  the  Jumps, 
and  he  followed  with  his  Tongue  hanging 
out.  He  did  not  like  to  admit  that  he  could 
not  keep  up  with  a  90-pound  Canary  who 
was  somewhat  of  an  Invalid.  But  when  he 
sat  and  watched  her  eating  her  fourth  Hearty 
Meal  and  chatting  gayly,  he  tried  to  figure 
out  how  any  one  with  a  Waist  Measurement 
of  11  inches  could  manage  it,  but  the  Prob 
lem  was  too  much  for  him. 

The  third  day  of  Rest  included  the  usual 
number  of  Eats,  and  wound  up  with  one  of 
those  Dancing-Parties  that  last  until  the  Ger 
mans  become  peevish  and  refuse  to  play  any 
[142] 


Henry  Holding  On. 


BREAKING   INTO    SOCIETY 

more.  Henry  was  off  in  a  Corner  eating 
Soda-Mint  Tablets  and  holding  on  to  a 
Chair  to  keep  from  falling  off.  Jessaline 
was  right  out  in  the  centre  of  the  Mix-Up, 
looking  as  fresh  as  a  Dollar  Bunch  of  Rus 
sian  Violets.  After  every  Dance  she  would 
tear  out  and  get  a  few  Glasses  of  Knock-Out 
Punch  and  eat  a  couple  of  Sandwiches,  after 
which  she  would  be  ready  to  do  some  more 
two-stepping.  When  the  Orchestra  finally 
struck  and  she  had  to  pull  out,  she  found 
Henry  in  a  Comatose  Condition  leaning 
against  the  Hat-Rack.  She  aroused  him 
and  told  him  the  Glad  News  that  they  were 
to  get  an  Early  Start  and  go  out  to  a  nice 
Road-House  and  have  something  to  Eat. 
Whereupon  Henry  fell  in  a  Heap  and  asked 
to  be  counted  out. 

All  the  way  Home  in  the  Carriage  she 
toasted  him  and  charged  him  with  a  lack  of 
Appreciation. 

"  You  act  like  a  Dummy,"  said  the  indig 
nant  Jessaline.  "  Why  don't  you  cut  in  and 
have  a  Good  Time,  the  same  as  I  do?  I 
[144] 


THE   THOUGHTFUL   WIFE 

don't  want  People  to  think  that  I  married  a 
Rube." 

"  I  can  lift  1200  pounds  in  Harness  and  I 
can  play  72  Holes  of  Golf  without  turning  a 
Hair,"  said  the  fallen  Giant,  "  but  when  it 
comes  to  eating  little  Birds  and  taking  a  new 
kind  of  Salad  every  twenty  minutes  and  hold 
ing  animated  Conversation  with  Perfect 
Strangers,  I  am  not  in  your  Class.  Send  for 
a  Trained  Nurse.  In  a  Week  or  so,  I  shall 
be  able  to  Travel  and  get  back  to  Hard 
Work  and  rest  up.  In  the  mean  time,  go  it 
alone." 

So  Jessaline  put  the  Weakling  on  the 
Shelf  and  went  out  and  had  a  Happy  Week. 

MORAL:  Capacity  cannot  be  determined 
by  any  Outside  Measurements. 


[145] 


The   Coming-Out   Girl   and  a  Few  of  Her 
Keen  Guesses. 


"1^  JfY  daughter,  we  start  for  the 
\/l  Country  next  Week,"  said  the 
-1*.  v  -JL  elderly  Society  Bird  to  her  little 
Chick.  "  Us  to  the  Summer  Hotel  for  a 
bang-up  Suite  at  a  Per  Diem  Rate  that  will 
put  a  large,  deep  Crimp  into  Papa's  Income 
for  1904.  You  are  now  at  the  Pin-Feather 
Period,  and  Mother  must  teach  you  how  to 
Fly.  I  have  been  giving  a  lot  of  Hard 
Thought  to  the  Man  Game  for,  lo,  these 
many  Moons,  and,  without  passing  myself 
any  fragrant  Cluster  of  Green  Peas,  I  think 
I  am  On.  Every  Woman  of  Experience  has 
a  private  Rogue's  Gallery.  She  can  give  you 
a  Line  on  the  whole  Bunko  Brotherhood  from 
Sammy  the  Sophomore,  who  wears  a  Buck 
wheat-Cake  instead  of  a  Cap,  up  to  the  de 
crepit  old  Has-Been  who  wants  to  hold  your 
Hand  because  you  look  so  much  like  his 
Daughter.  Taking  the  whole  Outfit,  from 
Seventeen  to  Seventy,  I  may  add  that  they 
are  the  grandest  Bunch  of  Shell-Workers 
[146] 


Schooling  the  Little  Chick. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

that  ever  operated.  You  are  a  Mere  Child 
of  19,  with  a  Baby  Stare  and  a  Simple  Faith 
in  Mankind,  and  you  are  due  to  be  Strung 
unless  you  Copper  about  four-thirds  of  all 
that  is  said  to  you.  There  will  be  enough 
Hot  Air  wasted  around  that  Hotel  this  Sum 
mer  to  keep  a  Flat  Building  nice  and  warm 
all  next  Winter.  It  behooves  you  to  be  Foxy, 
otherwise  you  will  be  engaged  to  so  many  at 
one  time  that  you  will  get  twisted  in  your 
Book-Keeping  and  overplay  your  System. 
You  must  not  be  chummy  with  any  Gentle 
man  until  you  have  known  him  at  least  Two 
Days." 

"  No  doubt  I  shall  make  many  Miscues," 
said  Isabelle,  "  and  yet  I  am  willing  to  Ex 
periment." 

"  I  suppose  you  understand  that  in  order 
to  be  strong  with  the  various  Kinds  that  will 
be  on  your  Trail  you  must  learn  to  be  a 
Quick-Change  Artist,"  said  Mother.  "For 
instance,  there  is  the  Spring  Lamb  with  the 
Stingy  little  Coat  and  Big  Shoes.  He  is  just 
home  from  College,  and  when  he  walks  along 
[148] 


THE   COMING-OUT   GIRL 

the  Veranda  it  sounds  like  a  Team  going 
over  a  Bridge.  If  one  of  those  Squabs  should 
begin  to  pursue  you,  what  would  you  do?" 

"  I  am  so  inexperienced  I  hardly  know 
what  to  say,"  replied  little  Isabelle.  "I 
think,  however,  that  I  would  tie  a  large  Can 
to  him,  unless  there  was  a  horrible  Shortage 
in  the  Supply  and  I  had  to  throw  in  a  few 
Understudies.  As  a  rule,  the  pink-faced  Col 
legian  is  a  little  shy  on  Collateral  and  more  or 
less  of  a  Dummy  on  any  Topic  except  Him 
self.  The  way  to  make  a  Ten-Strike  with 
him  is  to  feel  his  Muscles  and  tell  him  how 
well  his  Clothes  fit.  If  you  jolly  him  up  for 
three  or  four  Days  you  may  get  a  nice 
Photograph  of  him,  and  then  he  will  bone  you 
for  one  in  Return  and  nail  it  up  in  his  Den 
and  tell  all  the  other  Johnnies  that  you  arc 
crazy  about  him.  The  Trouble  with  the  Glad 
College  Youth  is  that  he  has  been  plucked  a 
little  too  soon.  Besides,  I  don't  think  a  Man 
starts  in  to  be  Good  Company  until  he  is  past 
25." 

"  And  some  of  them  have  a  few  Points  to 
[  149  ] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

pick  up  after  they  pass  55,"  added  Mother. 
"  You  seem  to  be  wise  to  the  very  Young 
Kind.  How  about  the  Bachelor  with  the 
Tremolo  Voice  who  wants  to  sit  about  six 
inches  away  from  you  all  the  time  and  look 
you  straight  in  the  Eye  and  tell  you  that 
Life  was  a  Desert  until  he  bumped  into  you  ?" 
"That's  the  Time  to  hang  out  the  Red 
Light,"  replied  Daughter.  "  I've  been  out 
among  'em  only  two  Seasons,  but  I've  taken 
that  Boy's  Measure  all  right,  all  right.  He's 
the  kind  that  wants  you  to  lean  on  his  Shoul 
der  and  tell  all  your  Troubles  to  a  True 
Friend  after  he  has  known  you  about  20 
Minutes,  and  if  you  hang  back  he  is  Hurt 
and  seems  to  think  that  you  do  him  an  In 
justice.  He  has  got  away  with  it  so  often 
that  his  Nerve  is  up ;  and  as  for  the  Huf ty- 
Dufty  Talk  that  he  has  learned  by  Heart,  it 
is  the  Kind  calculated  to  make  a  Girl  ashamed 
of  herself  unless  she  starts  right  in  and  loves 
him  writh  her  whole  Soul.  He  is  a  pretty 
dangerous  Proposition.  You  can  say  '  Scat !' 
to  Ferdie  the  Freshman,  or  else  send  him  on 
[150] 


The  Chick  Seems  Wise. 


BREAKING  INTO   SOCIETY 

an  Errand,  but  Mr.  Arthur  Fresh,  who  is  get 
ting  along  towards  30,  is  so  accustomed  to  the 
Throw-Down  that  he  arises,  dusts  his  Clothes, 
and  comes  back  with  a  Genial  Smile  and 
treats  the  whole  Incident  as  a  Joke.  Then, 
if  you  Repent  and  try  to  Square  yourself, 
the  Chances  are  that  he  will  wait  until  you 
begin  to  act  real  Friendly  and  then  he  will 
give  you  the  Toss  and  hike  off  after  some 
new  Geraldine.  This  kind  likes  to  switch 
from  a  Blonde  to  a  Brunette  about  every 
third  Day." 

"  Merciful  Mayonnaise !"  exclaimed  Moth 
er.  "  I  don't  believe  I  am  qualified  to  sit  on 
the  Side-Lines  and  do  any  Coaching  for  you. 
You  seem  to  be  Next.  Did  they  teach  you 
all  this  at  Boarding-School  ?" 

"  Don't  give  it  away,"  said  Isabelle,  "  but 
I'll  tell  you  on  the  Q.  T.  that  we  have  what 
is  known  as  the  Protective  Order  of  Buds. 
The  Trifler  who  goes  up  and  down  the  Line 
springing  the  Guff  about  Love  at  First  Sight 
is  spotted  and  tagged  in  a  Hurry.  There 
are  two  ways  of  handling  this  Party.  One 
[152] 


You  don't  need  to  attend  any 
Night  School" 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

is  to  spring  his  Record  on  him  and  kid  him 
until  he  lets  up.  The  other  is  to  believe 
everything  and  String  him  along.  The 
Second  Method  is  the  one  usually  employed 
by  all  True  Artists.  The  older  the  Bachelor 
the  bigger  the  Cinch.  Hold  on  to  one  of  his 
Coat-Buttons  and  look  up  at  him  and  ask 
him  a  lot  of  feeble-minded  Questions  about 
the  Wicked  World  and  he  will  talk  for  Hours 
at  a  Time.  But  the  Minute  the  Sun  goes 
down  you  want  to  yell  for  a  Chaperon  until 
you  can  be  heard  in  the  next  Township.  That 
will  lead  him  to  believe  that  he  is  a  fasci 
nating  and  dangerous  Person.  It  is  always 
a  terrific  Hit.  I  know  two  Girls  who  landed 
Good  Things  last  Summer  merely  by  sitting 
out  in  a  Hammock  and  calling  for  Chaper 
ons.  They  used  to  sit  out  until  Midnight 
begging  somebody  to  go  for  a  Chaperon, 
and  the  Gentlemen  had  to  talk  to  them  for 
Hours  in  order  to  calm  them  and  convince 
them  that  the  Whole  Proceeding  was  accord 
ing  to  Hoyle;  that  is,  as  long  as  they  were 
with  Nice  Fellows." 

[154] 


THE   COMING-OUT  GIRL 

"  I  take  off  my  Bonnet  to  you,"  said 
Mother.  "  You  don't  need  to  attend  any 
Night  School.  There's  just  one  other  Vari 
ety.  How  about  the  Lonesome  Married 
Man?" 

"  You  mean  the  Kind  that  wants  to  tell 
you  how  sorry  he  is  that  he  didn't  find  you 
before  he  hooked  up  with  a  Woman  who  never 
seems  to  Understand  him?  He  is  a  Sad 
Affair.  He  is  trying  to  sneak  a  Return  Trip 
on  the  Flirtation  Route  after  he  has  lost  his 
Ticket.  As  a  Study  he  is  fairly  Interesting, 
but  the  Pursuit  of  him  is  barred  by  the  Game 
Laws.  The  best  way  to  quiet  him  down  is  to 
get  friendly  with  his  Wife." 

"  That  settles  it,"  said  the  elderly  Society 
Bird.  "  Any  time  that  I  want  a  Hunch  I'll 
hunt  up  the  Young  Lady  of  To-day." 

MORAL:  It's  a  Wise  Mother  that  can 
hand  out  any  New  Ones. 


[155] 


The  Soft  Thing,  and  Some  of  the  Things 
That  Were  Done  to  Him. 

£ 

ONCE  upon  a  Time  there  was  a  Tapi 
oca. 
A  Relative  had  died  and  left  him 
a  large  Bale  of  the  Carnegie  Library  Com 
pound.     As  soon  as  it  was  noised  around  that 
the  Mark   was   actually   carrying  Money   in 
his   Clothes,   every    Short-Card   Man   in   the 
Business  began  to  break  through  the  Crowd, 
saying,  "  I  saw  him  first." 

In  the  Twinkling  of  an  Eye  the  Legatee 
was  transformed  from  an  ordinary,  hand- 
me-down  Plug  to  One  of  our  Prominent  Citi 
zens. 

Many  who  had  been  unable  to  place  him 
while  he  was  feeding  at  a  $4  Oatmeal  Resort 
on  a  Side  Street  now  dashed  madly  across 
the  Car-Tracks  to  give  him  the  Joyous  Mitt 
and  ask  him  to  come  up  to  the  House  some 
Evening. 

And   he,   like   every   other   Proud   Mortal 
who  is  being  pelted  with  Bouquets,   fancied 
that  his  Popularity  was  based  upon  his  own 
[156] 


The  Joyous  Mitt. 


BREAKING   INTO    SOCIETY 

Sterling  Qualities  and  did  not  arise  from 
the  Fact  that  he  was  known  up  at  the 
Bank. 

Those  who  doctored  up  the  Bricks  for  him 
did  not  take  the  Trouble  to  put  any  Gold- 
Plating  on  the  Outside.  They  nailed  his 
Currency  and  then  promised  to  deliver  the 
Goods  by  Messenger  Boy,  so  as  to  save  him 
Trouble. 

He  learned  that  a  great  many  Exclusive 
Organizations  wanted  to  take  in  a  few  Mem 
bers  who  were  Socially  Prominent.  Every 
time  that  he  was  handed  the  Social  Promi 
nence  Gag  he  fell  and  signed  an  Applica 
tion  Blank. 

In  a  Couple  of  Months  he  had  so  many 
Brothers  and  Fellow-Clubmen  that  he  could 
not  turn  a  down-town  Corner  without  run 
ning  into  a  Hot  Touch. 

Also  he  was  Pie  for  the  Dignified  Gen 
tlemen  representing  the  Eastern  Publish 
ing  House.  Long  ago  this  species  of  the 
Hold-Up  Man  was  known  as  a  Book- 
Agent,  but  in  these  latter  Days  he  is  a 
[158] 


THE  SOFT  THING 

Special  Envoy  who  brings  Glad  Tidings  of 
Great  Joy  to  the  superior  Intellectual 
Classes  who  are  known  to  be  there  with 
the  Coin. 

Every  Hypnotic  Salesman  who  cornered 
the  Mark  sang  the  old  Solo  about  giving 
Special  Terms  to  a  few  Book-Lovers  in  order 
to  derive  a  certain  Prestige  from  the  use  of 
their  Names. 

Take  a  Man  who  never  has  studied  any 
Volume  except  the  Winter  Book  and  tell  him 
that  he  is  a  Bibliophile,  and  he  will  swell  a 
few  Inches  whether  he  knows  the  Meaning 
of  the  Word  or  not. 

In  a  short  time  the  Prominent  Citizen 
had  a  Library  that  was  greatly  admired  by 
all  who  visited  his  Apartments,  and  the 
Books  were  in  first  -  class  Condition.  He 
never  took  any  of  them  down  for  fear 
that  he  could  not  put  them  back  in  the 
Right  Place. 

After  about  3  Months  he  became  an  Art 
Critic  and  a  sure-enough  Connoisseur.  He 
knew  it  because  a  great  many  Dealers  took 
[  159  ] 


BREAKING  INTO   SOCIETY 

him  into  the  Back  Room  and  told  him 
so. 

Then  they  would  throw  the  Light  on  a 
Creation  that  had  been  in  the  Salon,  or  else 
tenderly  remove  the  Cotton  Batting  from  a 
Bronze  that  could  not  be  broken  with  a  Maul. 
He  would  try  to  convince  himself  that  there 
was  a  certain  Difference  between  these  Mas 
terpieces  and  the  Junk  that  he  saw  in  the 
99-cent  Stores.  He  had  to  see  a  Difference 
or  else  he  could  not  have  got  away  with  the 
Connoisseur  Bluffs. 

So  he  became  a  well-known  Collector. 
Many  Friends  told  him  he  had  Exquisite 
Taste,  and  he  began  to  believe  it  himself,  so 
he  attended  Exhibitions  and  began  to  roast 
the  Moderns. 

Whereas  he  had  bden  known  in  the  Old 
Days  as  a  Parlor  Blacksmith,  he  now  dis 
covered  that  he  was  a  Strong  Card  at  Dinner- 
Parties,  especially  if  he  stood  for  the  Check. 
He  got  many  a  Laugh  out  of  the  antique 
Wheezes  that  he  had  cribbed  from  the  Joke 
Book,  and  when  he  arose  to  spring  the  pre- 

[160] 


The  Bullion  Prospectus. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

historic  Toast  everybody  applauded  before 
he  said  a  Word,  because  that  was  the  safest 
time  to  Applaud. 

Among  other  startling  Discoveries  made 
by  the  Popular  Leader  of  the  Smart  Set  was 
one  concerning  his  Business  Sagacity.  He 
received  long,  type-written  Letters  from  the 
Pneumatic  Brothers,  representing  the  Smoke 
Syndicate,  offering  to  let  him  in  on  the 
Ground  Floor  provided  he  would  rush  Check 
by  Return  Mail,  otherwise  it  would  be  Too 
Late. 

It  appeared  from  these  Letters  that  the 
Syndicate  had  acquired  all  the  Claims  on 
the  East  Slope  of  the  Bullkon  Range  and 
were  within  30  feet  of  the  well-known  Mine 
that  was  turning  out  $8000  a  Minute.  Al 
ready  three  Shafts  and  the  Original  Capital 
had  been  sunk,  and  the  Ore  was  found  to  con 
tain  German  Silver,  Brass,  Gold  Filings, 
Celluloid,  Borax,  and  Pepsin,  all  in  Paying 
Quantities. 

The  Expert  employed  by  the  Company 
had  just  completed  his  third  Dream,  and  esti- 
[162] 


Evidence  of  Good  Faith. 


BREAKING  INTO   SOCIETY 

mated  that  the  Lodes  somewhere  in  the 
Vicinity  contained  $40,000,000  worth  of 
Something,  and  now  it  was  merely  necessary 
to  go  ahead  and  find  it.  The  Stock  offered 
at  8  cents  a  Share  would  be  advanced  to  $1.14 
on  January  1st. 

Accompanying  the  Confidential  Letter 
was  a  Half -Tone  Picture  of  the  Mountain, 
merely  as  an  Evidence  of  Good  Faith. 

The  Mark  had  read  somewhere  that  any 
one  who  comes  into  Property  is  not  consid 
ered  a  True  Sport  until  he  takes  a  Flyer 
at  the  Mining  Game.  He  bought  a  few 
Bundles  of  Stock,  the  Par  Value  of  which 
made  Senator  Clark,  of  Montana,  look  like  a 
Piker,  and  although  his  Cautious  Friends 
warned  him  to  hold  out  his  Money  and  loan 
it  to  them,  he  persisted  in  his  Wild  Specu 
lations. 

He  put  in  more  than  $450,  and  at  the  end 
of  the  Fifth  Year  received  $1.87  in  Pre 
miums,  and  expects  to  be  in  the  Charley  Gates 
Class  if  he  lives  until  1950. 

In  the  mean  time  he  is  working  at  his 
[164] 


THE  SOFT  THING 

other  Trades  of  Prominent  Clubman,  Social 
Leader,  and  Art  Critic. 

MORAL:  Wealth  brings  Happiness  only 
when  expended  for  Fuel  to  feed  the  Spiritual 
Existence. 


[165] 


The  Cub  Lover,  the  Superior  Dad,  and  the 
Lady  Who  Told  the  Truth. 

* 

ONCE   there   was   a   seventeen-year-old 
Lambkin    with    long    Legs    and    his 
Hair  parted  in  the  Middle  who  was 
taken    down    with    a    severe    case    of    Love- 
Gripes,  known  in  the  Books  as  the  Spooney 
Infantum. 

He  cut  off  on  his  Eating  and  became  white 
around  the  Gills.  Most  of  the  Time  he  sat 
around  looking  at  the  Rugs  and  feeling  sorry 
for  himself. 

The  Object  of  this  hungering  Affection 
was  a  90-pound  Gum-Chewer  who  lived  next 
Door.  She  was  a  fresh  and  merry  little  Sou- 
brine  half-way  between  Long  Dresses  and 
Short  Dresses.  She  was  very  Lippy,  and  talk 
ed  back  to  her  Folks  and  made  Sassy  cracks 
at  the  Old  Ladies  who  came  along,  and  was 
a  Champion  Giggler. 

Most  people  regarded  her  as  the  Neighbor 
hood  Pest,  and  suggested  that  it  would  be  a 
Grand  Idea  to  turn  back  the  Calendar  about 
two  Years  and  go  at  her  with  a  Slipper. 
[166] 


Case  of  Spooney  Infantum. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

She  was  just  at  the  Perky  Age.  She  had 
her  first  Cart-Wheel  Hat  and  a  little  Wrist- 
Bag,  and  she  was  experimenting  with  the 
Powder-Puff  and  putting  in  considerable 
Time  on  her  Shape. 

She  thought  she  was  the  Works,  and  so  did 
little  Willie.  He  wanted  to  marry  her,  but 
he  had  only  90  cents  in  his  Tin  Bank  and  a 
License  cost  $2. 

So  all  he  could  do  was  worship  her  with  a 
yearning  and  hopeless  Love  and  write  seven 
or  eight  mushy  little  Notes  every  day.  Al 
though  she  was  shy  on  Experience,  she  had 
the  Feminine  Instinct,  for  she  would  carry 
on  with  two  or  three  other  grammar-school 
Tadpoles  all  the  time,  just  to  keep  Willie 
het  up  and  miserable. 

Willie's  Mother  had  seen  a  good  many 
Children  and  was  familiar  with  the  Symp 
toms  of  the  Veal  Period,  so  she  was  treating 
him  gently  and  trying  to  nurse  him  through 
the  Attack.  Not  so  wTith  the  Old  Gentleman. 
It  made  him  wrothy  to  see  a  Hulk  of  a  Boy 
make  such  a  Blithering  Imbecile  of  himself. 
[  168  1 


Pa  Hands  Out  Advice. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

Like  nearly  all  Papas,  he  believed  that  Puppy 
Love  should  be  cured  with  a  Piece  of  Scant 
ling. 

The  more  he  roasted  Willie  and  poked  fun 
at  the  gabby  little  Tidbit  next  door,  the 
more  deep-seated  and  inflammatory  became 
the  Fever  that  Willie  mistook  for  True  Love. 
The  poor  Kid  fell  behind  in  his  Classes  and 
moped  around  the  House  trying  on  different 
Cravats. 

Sarsaparilla  did  not  seem  to  help  him, 
and  when  any  of  the  Callers  told  his  Mam 
ma  that  he  was  looking  Thin  and  Pale,  he 
put  on  a  wan  Smile  and  felt  encouraged, 
for  Willie  had  it  all  fixed  up  that  he  was 
to  die  of  a  Broken  Heart  and  have  a 
Swell  Funeral  at  the  First  Presbyterian 
Church,  with  his  Beloved  sitting  in  the 
Front  Row  and  weeping  copiously.  He  saw 
no  other  Way  of  getting  back  at  his  Cruel 
Parent. 

Willie's  Papa,  in  trying  to  hammer  the 
Divine  Sentiment  out  of  his  idiotic  Offspring, 
made  a  Specialty  of  the  familiar  Song-and- 
[170] 


THE  CUB  LOVER 

Dance  beginning,  "  When  I  was  at  your 
Age." 

So  far  as  Willie  could  gather  from  the 
rough  Line  of  Conversation  handed  to  him 
about  three  times  per  Day,  Papa  had  always 
been  cold-blooded  and  sensible,  even  in  his 
earliest  Youth.  Papa  never  had  been  so  wreak 
and  foolish  as  to  fall  in  Love.  Sometimes 
Willie  wanted  to  ask  him  if  he  had  married 
Mamma  on  a  Bet,  but  he  was  afraid  to  start 
anything. 

As  for  Mamma,  she  sat  back  with  her  Lips 
closed  tightly  and  listened  while  the  theoreti 
cal  Head  of  the  Family  joshed  poor  Willie 
and  bragged  about  himself,  and  told  what  a 
bright,  industrious,  level-headed  Boy  he  had 
been  along  about  1876. 

She  stood  for  it  a  long  Time,  and  then  she 
decided  to  take  charge  of  Willie's  Case  and 
put  him  Wise.  Papa's  Scheme  for  breaking 
up  the  Affair  with  the  Bantam  next  door 
was  to  threaten  to  send  Willie  to  a  Military 
School  if  he  ever  spoke  to  her  again.  Papa 
knew  a  lot  about  the  Insurance  Business,  but 
[  171  ] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

he  was  a  Shine  when  it  came  to  pulling  off  a 
piece  of  Fine  Work  in  which  tender  young 
Affections  were  all  snarled  up. 

It  happened  that  Papa  had  to  go  East 
for  a  Month,  and  no  sooner  had  he  jumped 
the  Town  than  Mamma  took  Willie  into  her 
Room  and  flashed  a  Bundle  of  Letters  on 
him. 

"  There  are  a  few  Samples  of  the  Juju- 
Paste  that  your  Father  used  to  send  to  me 
back  in  1880,"  she  said.  "  I  hate  to  Call 
him,  but  I  want  you  to  know  that  no  matter 
what  you  do,  it  runs  in  the  Family.  Glance 
over  this  one,  for  instance.  He  calls  me 
Honey  seven  times  in  three  Lines,  with  a 
couple  of  Sweeties  thrown  in  to  make  it  good 
and  strong.  As  a  Juvenile  Gush  your  Pa 
was  the  Human  Limit.  Of  course,  that  was 
long  before  the  Rheumatism  caught  him  and 
he  began  to  see  the  Doctor  about  his  Liver. 
You  must  always  respect  your  Father,  but 
you  needn't  believe  anything  he  says.  In  re 
gard  to  your  deep  and  steadfast  Love  for  the 
Beautiful  Creature  just  over  the  Fence,  I 
[172] 


Willie  Makes  a  Quiet  Sneak. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

will  say  that  I  have  framed  it  up  with  her 
Mother  to  have  the  two  of  you  Married  just 
as  soon  as  you  are  old  enough,  which  will  be 
in  about  Five  Years.  In  the  mean  time  you 
are  at  liberty  to  put  in  all  of  your  Time  with 
her.  I  suggest  that  you  go  over  to  her 
House  immediately  and  Converse  with  her 
for  several  Hours  concerning  Art,  Litera 
ture,  History,  or  whatever  Topic  is  upper 
most  in  her  Mind.  When  you  get  tired  of 
calling  on  her  she  can  come  over  and  see  you. 
It  is  customary  for  an  Engaged  Couple  to  be 
Inseparable." 

When  Papa  came  back  from  the  East 
he  found  that  Willie  had  gained  8  pounds 
and  was  very  busy  organizing  a  Junior 
Ball  Team  to  do  up  the  West  Side  Gang. 
Every  time  that  little  Sweetheart  came 
through  the  Side  Gate  to  play  with  him, 
he  gathered  up  his  Mask  and  the  Big 
Glove  and  made  a  quiet  Sneak  for  the 
Alley. 

Papa  saw  that  the  Affair  was  busted,  and 
he  told  his  Business  Partner  that  he  had 
[174] 


THE  CUB  LOVER 

reasoned   with   the  Kid   and  brought  him  to 
his  Senses. 

MORAL:    In  case  of  Neighborhood  Com 
plications,  send  Papa  on  a  Business  Trip. 


[175] 


The  Honest  Effort  to  Go  the  Distance  and 
Then  the  Melancholy  Fluke. 

« 

ONCE  there  was  a  Rhinestone  Sport 
who  had  an  ambition  to  be  called  a 
Good  Fellow. 

He  had  a  Cousin  Jim  who  was  known  in 
Rapid  Circles  as  a  Prince,  so  he  decided  to 
trail  after  Jim  and  get  in  among  the  Rowdy- 
Dows. 

Jim  was  full  of  Wise  Talk  about  the 
Ponies.  Ever  and  anon  he  would  carelessly 
fish  out  of  the  Side-Pocket  a  large  Wad  of 
the  Green  Kind  with  a  Fifty  for  a  Wrapper 
and  tell  about  sitting  in  with  a  couple  of 
Horsemen  and  a  Wine  Agent  the  Night  be 
fore.  He  loved  to  speak  of  Hotels  where  a 
Swell  Room  with  Bath  came  to  only  $9  per 
Day  and  explain  that  he  was  getting  a 
Rate. 

Jim  felt  that  he  was  wasting  his  Conver 
sation  any  time  that  he  mentioned  any  Pica 
yune  Sum  under  a  Thousand.  He  had 
nothing  but  Sporting  Corpuscles  of  the 
Crimson  Variety  moving  about  in  his  Ar- 


Herbert  and  Jim. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

terics.  He  was  ready  to  lay  a  Small  Bet 
on  any  Proposition,  give  or  take,  and  when 
he  put  up  his  End  he  never  batted  an 
Eyelash.  He  had  the  Confidence  of  many 
of  our  most  celebrated  Barkeeps  and  could 
give  the  Hurry  -  Up  to  any  well  -  known 
Gam. 

No  wonder  that  pale-faced  Herbert,  the 
would-be  High-Roller,  looked  with  Awe  upon 
Cousin  Jim  and  inwardly  longed  to  butt  into 
his  Class. 

For  he  perceived  that  he  never  could 
stand  Ace  with  the  sure-enough  Fellows  un 
til  he  had  demonstrated  that  he  wras  a  Good 
Fellow. 

Jim  slipped  him  a  Tow-Line  and  took  him 
out  into  the  Night  Air  to  pick  up  a  few 
Pointers. 

Herbert  learned  that  the  first  Rule  for 
being  a  Good  Fellow  was  to  move  rapidly 
up  to  the  Poison  Counter  every  time  an  Or 
der  went  in.  Herbert  weighed  about  100 
Pounds,  and  the  Doctors  had  told  him 
to  try  a  Milk  Diet,  but  he  did  not  dare  to 
[178] 


HONEST  EFFORT 

renig,  otherwise  some  one  might  have  sus 
pected  that  he  was  a  cheap  Varnish  and  a 
low  -  down  Quitter.  He  was  a  Feather- 
Weight  and  an  Invalid,  but  he  wanted  to 
be  Game. 

So  he  stood  in  Line  with  the  copper-lined 
Rounders  who  had  Bull  Necks  and  weighed 
about  220  on  the  Hoof,  and  made  an  awful 
Bluff  at  going  along  with  them.  He  knew 
that  to  take  Vichy  would  be  a  Misdemeanor, 
and  to  duck  altogether  would  be  a  Crime  and 
might  block  him  out  of  the  Good-Fellow 
Division  for  all  time  to  come. 

Consequently  he  would  Stick,  with  his 
Breastbone  against  the  Railing,  and  con 
tinue  to  hoist  until  he  was  Pie-Eyed.  Then 
some  one  would  take  him  out  and  boost 
him  into  a  four-oared  Hack  and  send  him 
Home. 

Next  morning  he  would  awake  with  the 
Head  spread  out  over  two  Pillows,  and  his 
only  Joy  in  Life  would  be  the  proud  Remem 
brance  that  he  had  demonstrated  his  Desire 
to  be  a  Good  Fellow. 

[179] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

He  learned,  also,  that  in  order  to  be  the 
genuine  It  he  must  go  to  the  Track  and 
get  on  friendly  Terms  with  Whispering  Ike, 
the  Boy  who  holds  the  Watch  on  the  Morn 
ing  Gallops  and  gets  a  Commission  from  all 
the  Poor-Houses. 

In  a  Short  Time  he  had  a  lot  of  Good 
Stories  about  being  nosed  out  and  was  sleep 
ing  with  the  Dope-Sheet  under  his  Pillow. 
Although  he  went  $1200  to  the  Bad  on  the 
Meeting,  he  made  the  Personal  Acquaintance 
of  at  least  a  dozen  Celebrities  who  wore  Red 
Vests,  carried  Field-Glasses,  and  bet  nothing 
but  Markers,  therefore  he  had  the  glad 
knowledge  that  slowly  but  surely  he  was  ab 
sorbing  some  of  the  Attributes  which  distin 
guish  the  Good  Fellow  from  other  Members 
of  the  Brute  Creation. 

After  all,  the  only  cinch  Method  for  be 
coming  a  steam-heated  Gazabe  is  to  exhibit 
a  tall  Nerve  in  a  cut-throat  Session  of  the 
Game  that  made  Congress  famous.  Cousin 
Jim  knew  a  lot  of  Gentlemen  Players  who 
were  devoting  their  attention  to  Poker  be- 
[180] 


Herbert  Becomes  Pie-Eyed. 


13 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

cause  they  were  getting  too  Fat  to  climb 
Porches.  As  a  Special  Favor  he  fixed  it  so 
Herbert  could  get  a  Place  at  the  Table. 

It  was  a  Proud  Moment  for  the  Amateur 
when  he  sat  in  that  Distinguished  Company 
and  began  to  pick  up  Hands  and  then  put 
them  down  again.  The  Sheep  that  walked 
into  Armour's  Packing  House  had  the  same 
kind  of  a  Chance  that  Herbert  had  when  he 
put  his  Elbows  on  the  Green  Cloth  and  tried 
to  keep  from  trembling. 

He  had  been  against  the  one-call-two 
Boarding-House  Game,  where  they  hand  back 
everything  over  $2,  but  he  was  not  accus 
tomed  to  dallying  with  Friends  who  took  out 
Pencils  and  began  to  figure  how  much  they 
could  get  on  his  Clothes. 

They  were  the  kind  that  started  in  to  play 
just  about  where  he  left  off.  The  only 
Reason  they  didn't  kill  him  with  the  Ante 
was  because  he  looked  so  Good  to  them  that 
they  wanted  to  keep  him  in.  It  was  one  of 
the  Games  that  begin  to  get  Ripe  about  the 
time  the  Church  Bells  are  ringing. 


The  Trimmer's  Union  at   Work. 


BREAKING  INTO   SOCIETY 

The  Trimmers'  Union  had  no  way  of 
knowing  that  they  would  ever  get  to  him 
again,  so  they  decided  to  make  one  Job  of  it. 

After  Herbert  had  signed  up  all  the 
Checks  and  put  a  Cold  Towel  on  his  Head, 
he  began  to  Roar  somewhat  and  talk  about 
chopping  on  the  all-night  Seances. 

"  You  must  not  Beef,"  said  Cousin  Jim. 
"  A  True  Sport  never  lets  on,  even  when 
they  unbutton  his  Shoes." 

"  Do  you  know,  I  sometimes  suspect  that 
I  am  not  qualified  to  be  a  Hot  Dog,"  said 
Herbert.  "  I  find  that  I  begin  to  pass  away 
about  £  A.M.  Perhaps  it  is  owing  to  some 
Oversight  in  my  Early  Training,  but  I 
notice  that  after  I  have  taken  a  thousand 
Drinks  I  cannot  put  the  Red  Ball  into  the 
Corner  Pocket.  I  have  a  Timid  Nature, 
and  somehow  I  cannot  learn  to  whoop  the 
Edge  on  a  Pair  of  Nines.  I'm  afraid  that  I 
drank  too  much  Rain- Water  in  my  Youth. 
And,  besides,  I  got  into  the  Habit  of  going  to 
Bed.  It's  a  great  Blow  to  my  Pride,  hut  I 
don't  think  I  am  gaited  to  keep  up  with  the 
[184] 


HONEST  EFFORT 

Bell-Cows.     Me  back  to  the  Cheap  Push  at 
the  Boarding-House." 

MORAL:    Many  are   Called  but   few  de 
liver  the  Goods. 


The    Unsympathetic    Parent     Who    Turned 
Down  Three  Different  Varieties. 


ONTCE  there  was  a  long-headed  Father 
who  had   taken   the   Junior  into   the 
Down-Town    Office    and    was    trying 
to   eradicate  the  Greek  and  Latin   from  his 
System. 

The  Junior  was  a  Lovely  Chap  whose 
Clothes  came  to  about  twice  his  Salary.  He 
resembled  the  smooth-faced  Hero  of  a 
Richard  Harding  Davis  $1.50  Book.  By 
keeping  his  Hair  neatly  gummed  down  and 
wearing  the  right  shape  of  Collar,  likewise 
vamping  a  few  tender  Chords  on  the  Piano 
and  holding  up  his  end  in  a  light-weight 
Conversation,  he  had  managed  to  elbow  his 
Way  into  the  Front  Row  of  that  Select  Divis 
ion  of  the  Human  Race  known  as  the  Landed 
Gentry,  because  they  get  Landed  so  often. 
Bertrand  Flappingdale  was  the  Name  of 
this  particular  Confection.  In  Our  Set  he 
was  known  as  Bertie,  and  among  the  Em 
ployes  at  the  Shop  he  was  known  as  a  Bluff. 
Bert's  Pathway  in  Life  was  so  nicely  Lubri- 
[186] 


THE   UNSYMPATHETIC   PARENT 

catcd  and  every  one  was  so  awfully  Good  to 
him  that  after  a  while  he  felt  reasonably  Cer 
tain  that  the  Earth  and  the  Fulness  thereof 
had  been  dished  up  especially  for  his  Benefit, 
and  he  could  cancel  the  Order  any  time  that 
he  saw  fit. 

Flappingdale,  Senior,  had  never  smoked 
Egyptian  Cigarettes  and  attended  Junior 
Proms  during  his  Incubator  Period.  He  had 
been  too  busy  trying  to  make  the  Meal- 
Tickets  last  from  one  Saturday  Night  to  an 
other.  The  only  Time  he  got  real  Lungy 
was  when  he  told  how  he  used  to  work  for  6 
a  Week  and  plant  $100  a  year  in  the  Build- 
ing-and-Loan  Association.  It  had  been  many 
Years  since  they  took  his  Boiled  Dinners 
away  from  him  and  made  him  eat  Artichokes, 
but  he  was  still  a  Farmer  at  Heart.  And 
when  they  threw  him  into  the  long-tailed 
Regalia  with  the  misfit  Tie  he  had  Yap 
stencilled  all  over  himself. 

You    may    take   one    of   these   self  -  made 

Luminaries  and  wean  him  away  from  his  Pie 

and  rub  him  with  Silk  Underwear  for  years, 

[187] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

but  you  cannot  iron  the  Lines  of  Rugged 
Character  from  his  Front-Piece  nor  separate 
him  from  the  Homely  Doctrines  that  were 
called  to  his  Attention  by  means  of  a  Hickory 
Gad  some  forty  years  earlier  in  the  Game. 

Consequently,  the  elder  Flappingdale  did 
not  hit  it  off  to  any  large  Extent  with  Bertie's 
Friends,  most  of  whom  had  their  Names  al 
ready  set  up  in  the  Society  Column  365  Days 
in  the  Year,  but  not  one  of  them  could  have 
figured  a  2-per-cent.  Discount  unless  he  had 
taken  a  Day  off.  They  did  not  care  for 
Business,  but  Business  never  seemed  to  Lan 
guish  much  on  that  Account. 

One  of  the  Hard  Jobs  that  Fate  had  map 
ped  out  for  Flappingdale,  Senior,  was  to 
prevent  his  blue-eyed  Offspring  from  being 
abducted  and  snaked  away  to  the  Altar.  The 
Trouble  was  that  Bertie  wanted  to  be  Ab 
ducted.  About  every  Change  of  the  Moon 
he  would  begin  to  act  more  or  less  Dippy  and 
cut  out  the  Office  altogether  and  go  Girl- 
Hunting  in  his  cream-colored  Chariot  with 
one  Horse  hitched  in  front  of  the  other. 
[188] 


THE   UNSYMPATHETIC  PARENT 

Then  the  head  of  the  Works  would  have  to 
call  him  in  and  put  some  Cracked  Ice  on  him 
and  get  him  cooled  down. 

The  first  one  to  lay  him  out  and  have  him 
Fluttering  was  a  90-pounder  about  six 
weeks  from  the  Nursery.  The  cold-blooded 
Guvnor  begged  him  not  to  rob  the  Cradle, 
and  wanted  to  know  something  about  her 
Knowledge  of  Housekeeping,  which  is  in 
variably  a  Stiff  Jolt  for  Love's  Young 
Dream.  While  Bertrand  was  waiting  for  a 
Chance  to  elope  with  the  Bud,  a  New  Show 
came  to  Town,  and  there  zipped  across  the 
Horizon  of  his  Fresh  Young  Life  a  Hurrah 
Soubrette  who  wore  Holes  in  the  Stage  every 
Evening  doing  a  very  refined  Coon  Num 
ber. 

From  the  moment  when  he  looked  up  at 
her  and  saw  that  she  had  taken  notice  of  his 
Presence  on  Earth,  he  passed  into  a  Sweet 
Trance  from  which  he  did  not  fully  Awake 
until  the  Troupe  left  Town,  when  he  found 
himself  watching  the  Red  Light  disappear 
around  the  Curve  and  realized  that  he 
[189] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

had  played  his  Violets  on  the  Wrong  Num 
ber. 

The  Busy  Lover  always  goes  from  one  Ex 
treme  to  another,  so  the  next  Crack  out  of  the 
Box  what  does  Brash  Bertie  do  but  get  him 
self  all  worked  up  to  a  Temperature  of  104 
over  the  kind  that  is  known  as  Terribly 
Bright?  The  one  he  was  determined  to 
Marry,  unless  somebody  got  out  an  Injunc 
tion,  sat  around  in  an  off-color  kind  of  a 
sad,  Mother  Hubbard  make-up  and  handed 
out  Brilliant  Conversation  that  was  good 
enough  to  be  taken  down  in  Short-Hand  and 
put  right  into  a  Book.  She  threw  her 
Search-Light  on  the  helpless  Bertrand  and 
dazzled  him  to  a  Fare-ye-well.  She  got  him 
/  into  a  Turkish  Corner  and  told  him  of  the 

/     Yearnings    of    her    Soul    and    all    about   her 
Empty  Life  and  how  she  had  groped  for  an 

.  x   Affinity,    and    although    he    muffed    a    good 

\tiany   of   her   Points   and   was    clear   of   the 

Ground  most  of  the  Time,  he  realized  that 

he  was  in  the  Presence  of  one  who  could  take 

him   by   the   Hand   and    show   him   a   lot   of 

[190] 


THE   UNSYMPATHETIC   PARENT 

Things  that  he  had  never  been  wise  to  as 
yet.  So  he  wanted  to  marry  her  and  sit 
around  all  Day  with  his  Head  on  her  Shoul 
der  and  have  her  talk  Copy,  worth  about  3 
cents  a  Word. 

Father  noticed  that  he  was  off  his  Feed 
and  looking  wild  out  of  the  Eyes,  so  he  called 
him  in  and  wanted  to  know  the  name  of  the 
New  One. 

"  Cut  it  out,"  said  he,  when  he  had  learned 
the  Horrible  Truth.  "  Home  is  not  a  Lect 
ure  Bureau.  I  don't  blame  any  Man  for 
marrying  a  Woman  who  has  got  the  Intel 
lectual  Bulge  on  him.  In  these  Days  of 
Thursday  -  Afternoon  Clubs  and  Reading 
Circles,  it's  a  Cheap  Grade  of  Wife  who 
hasn't  got  the  he-end  of  the  Outfit  beaten  to 
a  Pulp.  Nearly  every  Woman  knows  more 
than  her  Husband,  but  it  helps  some  if  he 
has  enough  Gray  Matter  to  enable  him  to 
chip  in  now  and  then,  if  only  to  give  her  the 
right  Cues.  Rut  30  years  would  be  a  long 
Time  to  sit  at  one  end  of  the  Dining-Room 
Table  feeling  about  the  size  of  a  Roach. 
[191] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

I  have  known  several  specimens  of  the  Victim 
who  marries  the  Woman  who  is  going  to  lead 
him  on  and  on.  She  leads  him  on  and  on 
until  he  begins  to  Blow,  and  then  she  usually 
goes  on  and  on  with  something  wearing  a 
White  Necktie  and  an  Alpaca  Coat.  If  I 
were  you  I  should  marry  some  one  of  about 
my  own  Mental  Caliber.  Of  course,  you 
may  have  to  hunt  a  long  time,  but  when  you 
locate  her  you  can  tell  that  she  is  the  Right 
Kind.  Any  one  who  will  agree  to  Marry 
you  is  in  your  Class,  and  you  can  gamble  on 
that." 

"  I  have  tried  the  Innocent  Young  Thing, 
the  Sophisticated  Soubrette,  and  the  Cultured 
Club  Girl,  and  you  kick  on  all  of  them,"  said 
Bertrand. 

"  They  are  all  Nice  Girls,"  said  Mr.  Flap- 
pingdale.  "  Let's  wait  until  we  spot  one 
who  has  something  coming  to  her  and  then 
we  will  put  up  a  Good  Joke  on  her." 

» 

MORAL :  It  is  a  Wise  Father  That  tum 
bles  to  his  own  Son. 

[192] 


The  Ninety-Pound  Knight-Errant  and  His 
Lady  Fair. 

•f 

O\CE  there  was  an  Estimable  Lady 
named  Mrs.  Killjoy  who  used  to 
hunt  for  Trouble  with  a  Search- 
Warrant. 

She  was  not  happy  unless  she  was  being 
Insulted.  Before  any  one  chirped  she  knew 
that  she  was  going  to  have  Bricks  thrown 
at  her  Character. 

Mrs.  Killjoy  held  to  the  obsolete  Theory 
that  Man  was  put  into  this  Mundane  Trouble 
Factory  to  protect  weak  and  defenceless 
Woman  from  all  Slurs,  Slights,  and  Insults. 
That  is  why  she  picked  out  for  her  True 
Knight  an  undeveloped  Specimen,  about  the 
size  of  a  Philadelphia  Squab,  with  four-inch 
Biceps. 

His  steady  Assignment  was  to  fight  her 
Battles.  Mrs.  Killjoy  was  one  of  those 
Sensitive  Plants  who  could  not  get  into  a 
Trolley  without  having  some  one  rudely 
Stare  at  her.  She  always  suspected  that  the 
He-Salesmen  in  the  Stores  were  trying  to 
[193] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

make  Love  to  her,  and  if  any  Man  happened 
to  be  walking  behind  her  on  the  same  side 
of  the  Street  she  knew  that  she  wras  being 
Pursued. 

"  Are  you  going  to  sit  here  and  allow  your 
Wife  to  be  Insulted?" 

That  was  the  Speech  she  would  hand  him 
when  they  were  out  together.  Then  it  was 
up  to  him  to  call  some  200-pounder  or  else 
be  prepared  to  lie  awake  half  the  Night  and 
listen  to  the  Story  of  her  Wrongs. 

Sometimes  he  suspected  that  she  wanted 
to  realize  on  his  Life  Insurance. 

His  usual  Play  was  to  promise  to  be  an 
Avenger.  Then  he  would  hunt  up  the  Per 
son  who  had  grossly  insulted  Mrs.  Killjoy 
and  apologize  in  her  behalf  and  say  that  she 
was  a  trifle  Dippy. 

What  Mrs.  Killjoy  needed  was  a  Husband 
in  a  full  Suit  of  Armor  mounted  on  a  White 
Horse  and  thirsting  for  Blood.  She  had  read 
the  wrong  kind  of  Books.  Husband  knew 
that  she  \vould  stack  him  up  against  it  sooner 
or  later. 

[194] 


Dusting  the  Bin  with  Mr. 
Killjoy. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

Sure  enough,  one  Day  he  found  her  in 
Tears  and  learned  that  the  Man  delivering 
the  Coal  had  been  Impertinent  and  had  failed 
to  remove  his  Hat  while  speaking  to  her. 
She  wanted  to  know  if  Mr.  Killjoy  was  a 
Man  or  a  Mouse,  and  that  settled  it.  He 
went  out  to  roast  the  Teamster  and  she  fol 
lowed  along  to  Gloat. 

The  Teamster  was  a  Low-Brow  with  a  48- 
inch  Chest,  and  he  did  not  know  a  thing 
about  the  Henry  of  Navarre  Business.  He 
grabbed  Mr.  Killjoy  and  dusted  the  Bin 
with  him. 

While  the  Sufferer  was  in  the  Hospital 
waiting  for  the  Bones  to  join,  Mrs.  Killjoy 
sat  beside  him  and  said,  "  As  soon  as  you  are 
well  enough  to  be  around  you  must  hunt 
him  up  and  shoot  him." 

"I  will,"  said  the  brave  Knight,  "if  I 
can  get  one  of  those  Sandy  Hook  Guns  that 
will  carry  six  Miles." 

MORAL:    In  these  Days,  Chivalry   must 
wrear  a  Tag  or  it  will  not  be  Recognized. 
[  196  ] 


The   Fearsome   Feud   Between    the   First 
Families. 

* 

ONCE  there  grew  up  alongside  of  a 
Railroad  Track  an  overgrown  Village 
that  refused  to  be  called  a  Town,  so 
it  was  known  as  a  City.  It  had  a  Water 
Tower,  a  Court-House  Park,  and  a  Steam 
Laundry.  On  the  Main  Street  was  a  Business 
College  where  the  Yokels  learned  in  nine 
weeks  how  to  be  Merchant  Princes.  Also 
a  Trolley  Line  that  ran  as  far  out  as  the 
Cemetery  and  then  threw  up  both  Hands. 
The  Particular  Pride  of  the  Place  was  a 
$2.50  Hotel  with  a  Tiled  Floor  and  a  Ladies' 
Parlor  so  Magnificent  that  no  one  had  been 
known  to  use  it. 

All  the  Residents  of  this  Progressive 
Community  took  their  Cues  from  two  Fami 
lies  that  controlled  more  or  less  Bank  Stock 
and  had  Fountains  playing  in  the  Front 
Yard,  to  say  nothing  of  Senegambians  to 
look  after  the  Horses  and  keep  them  from 
being  Lonesome.  These  two  Tribes  were  the 
real  three-X  Gonzabas.  Any  one  on  calling 
[197] 


BREAKING  INTO   SOCIETY 

Terms  with  the  aristocratic  Skilligans  or  the 
exclusive  Winkles  had  a  perpetual  License  to 
throw  on  right  Smart  of  Dog  and  kick  about 
the  Lack  of  Good  Society. 

One  of  the  many  Diversions  planned  by  the 
high-collared  Residents,  so  that  they  might 
temporarily  forget  where  they  were  living, 
was  Amateur  Theatricals.  The  Dramatic 
Club  was  carefully  selected  from  the  Inner 
Circle  of  the  Finger-Bowl  Set,  and  whether 
they  could  Act  or  not  it  was  always  a  Satis 
faction  to  know  that  they  could  rub  up 
against  the  toney  Skilligans  and  the  hifalut- 
ing  Winkles. 

Two  or  three  times  every  Season  the  Club 
gave  a  Show  at  the  local  Temple  of  Art. 
After  all  Expenses  had  been  paid,  the  Net 
Proceeds,  which  sometimes  ran  as  high  as 
$18,  went  to  Charity.  This  was  another 
Case  in  which  Charity  covered  a  Multitude 
of  Sins. 

At  one  of  these  Dramatic  Treats  it  was  de 
cided  to  put  on  the  Balcony  Scene  from 
"  Romeo  and  Juliet."  Wm.  Shakespeare 
[198] 


Kidding  the  Performance. 


BREAKING  INTO   SOCIETY 

was  in  no  Position  to  get  out  an  Injunc 
tion,  and  the  Club  had  such  a  Social  Drag 
that  no  one  dared  to  set  fire  to  the 
Opera-House  in  order  to  head  off  the  Mas 
sacre. 

It  was  unanimously  agreed  that  Mr.  Philo 
Quackenbush  was  the  Boy  to  do  Romeo.  He 
was  Golf  Champion,  having  done  9  Holes  in 
58  on  a  Course  which  made  it  necessary  to 
Putt  with  a  Lofter.  Besides,  he  had  led  the 
German  every  Year  for  18  years  and  had 
Relatives  in  New  York  City. 

But  when  it  came  to  the  selection  of  Juliet 
there  were  two  Candidates,  as  follows:  Mrs. 
Skilligan  and  Mrs.  Winkle.  Each  of  these 
estimable  Ladies  had  a  kind  of  an  inward 
Hunch  that  she  could  revive  Memories  of 
Mary  Anderson  and  leave  Maude  Adams 
somewhere  back  of  the  Flag.  Mrs.  Skilligan 
was  tall,  fibrous,  and  weighed  108  when  in 
Condition.  She  had  a  Daughter  who  was  a 
Sophomore,  and  that  was  why  some  of  her 
Enemies  said  that  she  was  too  far  along  to 
look  the  Part  of  Juliet.  Just  the  same,  Mrs. 
[200] 


THE  FEARSOME  FEUD 

Skilligan  wanted  a  Whack  at  it,  for  what 
she  lacked  in  Looks  and  Youthfulness,  she 
could  make  up  in  Jewelry.  So  she  began 
to  lay  her  Pipes  and  do  some  tall  Schem 
ing. 

In  the  mean  time,  Mrs.  Winkle  was  study 
ing  the  Lines  and  checking  off  the  Names  of 
all  Members  who  would  not  dare  to  throw  her 
down.  Mrs.  Winkle  could  see  herself  on  the 
Balcony  giving  an  entirely  new  Interpreta 
tion  of  the  Part.  She  had  discovered  certain 
Hidden  Meanings  in  the  Lines,  and  she  want 
ed  to  hand  out  the  Immortal  Hot  Stuff  in 
such  a  Way  that  Folks  would  forget  all  about 
Julia  Marlowe  and  those  other  ordinary  Ac 
tresses  who  were  after  the  Coin,  regardless  of 
Art. 

The  Stage-Manager  employed  by  the  bold 
Amateurs  was  an  Ex-Legit  who  had  lost  his. 
Voice  asking  for  Salary.  He  plucked  up 
Courage  and  ventured  to  ask  Mrs.  Winkle 
if  she  didn't  think  she  was  a  little  too  strong 
on  the  Measurements  to  be  the  girlish  Capu- 
let. 

[201  ] 

• 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

"  Oh,  Pickles !"  quoth  Mrs.  Winkle.  "  I'm 
just  about  the  size  of  May  Irwin,  and  she's 
a  lovely  Actress.  Besides,  I'll  wear  some 
thing  Loose,  so  that  they  can't  see  my  Real 
Shape." 

The  Stage-Manager  said  no  more,  for  he 
needed  the  Money. 

The  Club  had  a  Meeting  and  the  Lady  who 
carried  Weight  for  Age  beat  out  the  Anti- 
Fat  Candidate.  Mrs.  Winkle  was  elected  the 
Ideal  Juliet  by  a  Majority  of  One,  and  some 
were  mean  enough  to  say  that  she  voted  for 
Herself.  As  for  Mamma  Skilligan,  she  was 
not  Put  Out  a  Particle.  Not  on  your  Facial 
Expression!  A  good  many  Competent 
Judges  had  told  her  that  Shakespeare  must 
have  had  her  in  Mind  when  he  wrote  the 
Part,  but  if  the  Club  preferred  a  large, 
coarse  Creature  to  tackle  that  beautiful 
Stuff,  let  it  go  at  that ! 

Just  to  prove  that  she  wasn't  Miffed  she 

bought  all  of  the  lower  Boxes,  and  on  the 

Night  of  the  Performance  she  gave  a  Dinner- 

Party  at  which  the  Gentlemen  proceeded  to 

[202] 


The  Large  White  Mass  up  on 
the  Shelf. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

tea  up  and  roast  the  Large  Party,  in  spite 
of  anything  she  could  say  to  choke  them 
off.  Along  about  9  o'clock  she  said  it  was 
time  to  do  down  and  watch  the  Balloon  go 
up. 

The  Push  landed  in  at  the  Opera-House 
just  in  time  to  break  up  the  Scene  in  which 
the  Child  Sweetheart  sighs  and  wonders 
where  Romeo  is.  The  whole  Outfit  came  into 
the  Boxes  and  upset  Chairs  and  begged 
everybody  else  to  take  the  front  Seats  and 
called  for  Programmes.  By  the  time  they 
settled  down  and  got  ready  to  kid  the  Per 
formance,  the  large  White  Mass  up  on  the 
Shelf  didn't  know  whether  she  was  playing 
Juliet  or  Bridge  Whist.  She  got  twisted 
on  her  Lines,  so  that  Romeo,  with  the  Red 
Mustaches,  skipped  a  couple  of  Speeches. 
Then  the  Moon  shifted  a  few  Feet  and  the 
Balcony  squeaked  and  promised  to  give 
Way,  and  some  one  in  the  Skilligan  Party 
made  a  low  Crack  that  started  a  Giggle. 
Juliet  lasted,  but  she  was  too  Pink  for 
Words, 

[204] 


Romeo  Skipped  a  Couple  of 
Speeches. 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

Then  Mrs.  Skilligan  said  she  was  sorry 
for  the  Poor  Thing,  for  it  really  wasn't  her 
Fault,  as  she  had  been  bunkoed  into  thinking 
she  was  Good. 

Juliet  had  8  Curtain  Calls,  or  two  more 
than  Melba's  Record,  and  before  the  Night 
was  over  she  received  so  many  Flowers  and 
was  complimented  so  often  by  those  who  came 
up  to  her  little  Supper-Party  that  she  had  a 
good  Notion  to  leave  Winkle  and  go  and 
work  for  Charley  Frohman.  In  fact,  at  3 
A.M.  she  was  ready  to  make  Affidavit  that  she 
had  Virginia  Harned,  Maxine  Elliott,  and 
Mary  Mannering  thrown  back  into  the  Cho 
rus. 

Next  Day  the  Paper  said  that  she  was 
Great,  and  she  took  200  Extra  Copies  and 
read  them  all  herself  and  then  sent  a  few  to 
the  Skilligans. 

About  a  month  after  that  Mrs.  Skilligan 
gave  a  Fancy-Dress  Ball,  with  Costumes  all 
the  Way  from  St.  Louis,  and  three  kinds  of 
Punch  on  the  Dining-Room  Table.  Lady 
Skilligan  did  Queen  Elizabeth,  with  $80,000 
[206] 


THE  FEARSOME  FEUD 

worth  of  Rock  Crystals  hanging  to  her. 
Mrs.  Winkle  came,  for  fear  People  might 
think  she  cherished  some  Animosity  against 
her  crushed  and  fallen  Rival,  and  when  she 
sized  up  against  the  Hostess  she  fell  back 
ward  and  took  the  Count,  for  she  was  only  a 
Dresden  Shepherdess. 

She  went  home  and  began  to  whet  her  Axe, 
and  the  first  Thing  any  one  knew  she  had  the 
U.  S.  Senator  right  up  at  her  House  and  a 
few  Friends  in  to  see  him  Eat  and  no  Skilli- 
gans  in  the  List. 

Then  the  Carpenters  at  Work  enlarging 
the  Skilligan  House  and  a  Grand  Reception 
with  imported  Music  and  no  Winkles  there 
to  hear  it. 

After  which  a  quiet  Evening  at  the  Win 
kles  and  the  Souvenirs  costing  $18  per.  In 
due  Time  a  private  Vaudeville  at  the  Skilli- 
gans  and  Expense  cutting  no  Figure,  the 
same  as  at  Newport. 

Then  two  Men  meeting  at  the  Court- 
House,  where  the  Bankruptcy  Papers  are 
fixed  up.  They  silently  shook  Hands,  and 
[207] 


BREAKING   INTO   SOCIETY 

then  Skilligan  said  to  Winkle,  "  It's  a  Dead 
Heat." 

MORAL :   The  Men  are  always  the  first  to 
Quit. 


THE  END 


[208] 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 


AN     INITIAL,     FINE    OF    25     CENTS 

WILL  BE  ASSESSED  FOR  FAILURE  TO  RETURN 
THIS  BOOK  ON  THE  DATE  DUE.  THE  PENALTY 
WILL  INCREASE  TO  SO  CENTS  ON  THE  FOURTH 

DAY       

OVER 


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U.C.  BERKELEY  LIBRARIES 


